


Welcome to #Hell™

by radiowrittenheart



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Human, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Group Chat Fic, Mild Language, Multi, Sexual Humor, Texting, They're all over 18 so, everyone wants to fight each other too, existential crisises and memes, genuine trash get it right here, help me, it's wild, lmao who am i kidding they're all terrible, lots of queerness, that's all, the last two ships are implied/previous
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-31
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-09-21 01:11:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9524915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radiowrittenheart/pseuds/radiowrittenheart
Summary: Because y'all can't get enough of these damn group chat fics for these fucking nerds.





	1. #Hell™ + Homeskillets

**Author's Note:**

> i'm a fucking piece of garbage so i made one of these things
> 
> group chat name guide for this chapter  
> —sir lancealot: lance  
> —pokemon killed my parents: pidge  
> —shiro#Gone: shiro  
> —keef: keith  
> —watch the queen conquer: allura  
> —coran coran the gorgeous man: coran  
> —hunkules: hunk

_**pokemon killed my parents** has added **“watch the queen conquer”, “coran coran the gorgeous man”, “sir lancealot”, “hunkules”, “keef” & “shiro#Gone”** to _ **#Hell™**

 _[9:17 am]_  
**keef:** why is hell typed like that  
**pokemon killed my parents:** why is your name typed like that  
**keef:** aesthetic  
**pokemon killed my parents:** same tbh  
**sir lancealot:** did you nerds just get off tumblr  
**keef:** fuck off tumblr is for hipsters like pidgeon  
**pokemon killed my parents:** say that to my face you emo bastard  
**keef:** gladly  
**keef:** meet me in the starbucks parking lot  
**keef:** at 4:20am  
**keef:** fight me  
**pokemon killed my parents:** hold on let me ask my mom  
**pokemon killed my parents:** mom can i fight keith  
**watch the queen conquer:** only if you bring me back a latte, you know my usual  
**pokemon killed my parents:** ok  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** why are you children fighting each other what happened i’m so confused!!!!  
**shiro#Gone:** why am i even here  
**pokemon killed my parents:** because everyone has to suffer  
**shiro#Gone** : oh  
**shiro#Gone:** okay  
**shiro#Gone:** well that makes sense  
**hunkules** : i’m with coran tho what’s going on  
**pokemon killed my parents:** HELL  
**sir lancealot:** why did i imagine you in sitting in your spinny chair cackling while typing that  
**pokemon killed my parents:** because that’s exactly what i did  
**sir lancealot:** jfc ur such a little weirdo  
**pokemon killed my parents:** love you too asshole

 _[11:15am]_  
**watch the queen conquer:** so you guys know how i thought my cat died right  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** rest in peace mr. fluffs  
**pokemon killed my parents:** the one that you said probably got run over by a semi?  
**watch the queen conquer:** yes that one  
**watch the queen conquer:** turns out mr/mrs. fluffs is actually alive  
**watch the queen conquer:** because she just gave birth to kittens in my backyard  
**watch the queen conquer:** and then died during labor  
**sir lancealot:** YIKES  
**watch the queen conquer:** anyway i need to get rid of these kittens because apparently the baby daddy was a long hair and coran is allergic  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** I WILL GLADLY SUFFER  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** THEY’RE JUST SO PRECIOUS!!!!  
**watch the queen conquer:** look at this poor man  
_*watch the queen conquer has sent a picture*_  
**hunkules:** tag urself i’m coran  
**keef:** why the fuck does that one kitten not have a tail  
**keef:** tag urself i’m that one  
**watch the queen conquer:** do any of you want one and/or do you know anyone who wants one of them  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** ALLURA NO PLEASE LET ME KEEP THEM  
**watch the queen conquer:** coran i’m finding your epipen and inhaler as we speak  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** this is worse than the time when you were five and kicked me in the shin  
**watch the queen conquer:** how in the world do you remember that  
**keef:** coran apparently knows all  
**keef:** *x files theme plays*  
**sir lancealot:** again with the fucking x files  
**sir lancealot:** mulder isn’t even that cute you dumbass  
**keef:** YOU TAKE THAT BACK FOX MULDER WAS MY FIRST LOVE  
**shiro#Gone:** it’s true  
**shiro#Gone:** i once watched all nine seasons with keith and he cried at least ten times about how beautiful he thought mulder was  
**keef:** fuck you  
**keef:** i told you to never tell anyone  
**watch the queen conquer:** SOMEONE TAKE THESE CATS BEFORE CORAN DIES  
**keef:** i’ll take the one without a tail  
**sir lancealot:** excuse me you can’t adopt a pet w/out consulting me  
**keef:** can we get a cat  
**sir lancealot:** absolutely not  
**sir lancealot:** we can get 2 cats  
**sir lancealot:** bcuz i want one too  
**pokemon killed my parents:** rover went missing again and i’m lonely  
**pokemon killed my parents:** send me one of those overgrown rats  
**hunkules:** did you check your sock drawer  
**pokemon killed my parents:** yeah he wasn’t there. i even went after matt but he didn’t have him. idk what happened.  
**sir lancealot:** rip rover  
**pokemon killed my parents:** MY LITTLE BABY ISN’T DEAD HE’S STILL OUT THERE SOMEWHERE  
**keef:** just like the truth  
**sir lancealot:** shut the fuck up keith  
**keef:** <3333  
**watch the queen conquer:** EVERYONE GET OVER HERE AND TAKE THESE CATS NOW  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** NO DON’T LISTEN TO HER  
**hunkules:** i just looked at that picture and i wanna know if you’ve fed those babies yet because one of them was trying to eat coran’s mustache  
**hunkules:** i want it  
**watch the queen conquer:** ⅘ gone #bless  
**watch the queen conquer:** …shiro  
**shiro#Gone:** no  
**watch the queen conquer:** takashi pls  
**shiro#Gone:** no  
**watch the queen conquer:** i thought you loved me  
**pokemon killed my parents:** can’t you guys DM this nasty shit to each other  
**shiro#Gone:** i love you but i hate cats  
_*watch the queen conquer has sent a picture*_  
**sir lancealot:** allura’s selfie game reblog if you agree  
**pokemon killed my parents:** now who’s the tumblr slut  
**sir lancealot:** fuck off  
**shiro#Gone:** you play dirty  
**watch the queen conquer:** <3  
**pokemon killed my parents:** y’all are nasty  
**pokemon killed my parents:** on my way to adopt an overgrown rat peace out homeskillets

_— **pokemon killed my parents** has changed the group chat name to “ **Homeskillets** ”—_

**keef:** what the fuck is wrong with that kid  
**sir lancealot:** a whole lot

 _[4:19 pm]_  
**sir lancealot:** KEITH  & I ARE DADDIES NOW  
**sir lancealot:** MEET BLUE AND RUBY  
_*sir lancealot has sent a picture*_  
_— **sir lancealot** has changed their name to **daddy** —_  
**keef:** kinkshaming  
**daddy:** u kno u love it  
**hunkules:** no keith’s right you’re nasty, lance  
**daddy:** hell yeah i am  
**watch the queen conquer:** good news, coran’s face isn’t puffed up anymore  
**watch the queen conquer:** bad news, i have a 53 year old man crying in my dining room  
**daddy:** that’s hot  
**keef:** pidge block this nasty-ass fucker  
**daddy:** bby don’t be like that  
**daddy:** if we divorce who would get custody of the kids  
**pokemon killed my parents:** do you people not know what DM’s are  
**daddy:** this is a serious issue we’re discussing here  
**daddy:** gtfo pidge the grown ups are talking  
**pokemon killed my parents:** you know what fuck you  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** SOMEONE SEND ME PICTURES OF THEM  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** I MISS THEM ALREADY  
**hunkules:** i got you covered bro  
**hunkules:** meet sunny. she's a very happy biter.  
_*hunkules has sent a picture*_  
**shiro#Gone:** allura i hate you  
**watch the queen conquer:** it’s so funny how you ended up getting the brooding one though let’s be honest  
**shiro#Gone:** i named her ebony  
**keef:** because she’s black like his soul  
**daddy:** like his eyeliner  
**pokemon killed my parents:** oh SHIT  
**shiro#Gone:** why do these things happen to me  
**daddy:** because we love u  
**shiro#Gone:** yeah really feeling the love here  
**daddy:** pidgeon what did you name urs  
**daddy:** pls don’t tell me its Rover II  
**pokemon killed my parents:** no  
**pokemon killed my parents:** i’m calling her Forrest  
**pokemon killed my parents:** because this crazy little shit tried to eat a leaf  
**hunkules:** NO!!!! THAT’S NOT GOOD FOR HER!!!!  
**pokemon killed my parents:** should i go buy her food or should i feed her whatever tuna i have in my pantry  
**hunkules:** go buy her regular food omg treat her right  
**daddy:** yeah. this is why u don’t have a gf yet pidge  
**pokemon killed my parents:** lance don’t make me fight you too  
**daddy:** two guys at once  
**daddy:** kinky  
**watch the queen conquer:** L ANCE  
**keef:** oh my god  
**keef:** i’m such a proud boyfriend right now you guys don't even know  
**pokemon killed my parents:** i hate all of you  
**shiro#Gone:** now you feel my pain

 

 _[9:25 pm]_  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** is anyone else going to send me cat pictures or


	2. mac and cheese kinda day + discourse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because why tf not

_[10:23 am]  
_**daddy** : hold up  
**daddy** : why did pokemon kill pidge’s parents  
**pokemon killed my parents** : it’s a reference to youtuber gamers  
**daddy** : okay but  
**daddy** : if anyone should have that username it should be allura or keith  
**watch the queen conquer** : Excuse you I have Coran  
**keef** : my parents aren’t dead you idiot  
**daddy** : they could be. you don’t know that.  
**keef** : MY DAD WAS AROUND FOR MOST OF MY LIFE YOU MORON  
**keef** : he just had supervised visits  
**keef** : it was complicated  
**hunkules** : yikes.  
**daddy** : you guys are still orphans  
**watch the queen conquer** : i was an adult when my father died how does that make me an orphan  
**coran coran the gorgeous man** : YOU WERE 17  
**watch the queen conquer** : close enough.  
**pokemon killed my parents** : do you guys just want me to change my name holy shit  
**pokemon killed my parents** : usually i love discourse but not when i’m the one who started it  
_—_ **pokemon killed my parents** changed their name to **pidgeon** —  
**pidgeon** : are you guys happy now  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** wait  
**coran coran the gorgeous man** : did she never tell you  
**watch the queen conquer** : Coran no stop don’t  
**daddy** : tell us what  
**coran coran the gorgeous man** : i was married to allura’s father  
**shiro#Gone** : i was the only one who knew that  
**daddy** : wait what we have an actual dad in the chat wtf  
**daddy** : now i feel like we’re being babysat  
**hunkules** : honestly that makes sense  
**hunkules** : especially the time i went over and coran was beating allura with one of his rhinestone flip flops  
**watch the queen conquer** : i didn’t ask for this  
**pidgeon** : coran why do you own rhinestone flipflops  
**daddy** : pidge the man is a flaming homosexual  
**daddy** : why wouldn’t he own rhinestone flip flops is the better question  
**coran coran the gorgeous man** : all the stories i’ve told about her as a child??? And you guys never figured it out???  
**shiro#Gone** : and with all the threats he made when i started dating allura  
**shiro#Gone** : seriously guys?  
**watch the queen conquer** : okay can we talk about something else other than my alternative family situation  
**watch the queen conquer** : although  
**watch the queen conquer** : what did you guys think coran’s relation to me was  
**daddy** : i always thought he was your butler  
**hunkules** : uncle  
**pidgeon** : grandpa? idk i just knew he was a family friend  
**coran coran the gorgeous man** : excuse me!!!  
**keef** : okay i lied  
**keef** : my mom’s dead  
**keef** : so lance technically isn’t wrong  
**daddy** : HA  
**pidgeon** : and to think all this started because of my username rip

 

 _[12:42 pm]  
_**keef** : can cats be gay  
**hunkules** : wait what  
**watch the queen conquer** : this is the group chat, keith, not google  
**keef** : blue and ruby are acting really weird and lance won’t stop screaming about how “it’s a crime against nature”  
**pidgeon** : are you saying your cats are in love with each other  
**keef** : either that or they show their sisterly love in strange ways  
**daddy** : I CANT BELIEVE I HAVE TO KINKSHAME OUR CATS  
**keef** : I ALREADY HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU SCREAMING DON’T MAKE EVERYONE ELSE SUFFER  
**daddy** : BLUE IS ACTING VERY INAPPROPRIATE THO  
**shiro#Gone** : like father like daughter  
**daddy** : okay you know what  
**pidgeon** : oh btw i found rover  
**hunkules** : where was he  
**pidgeon** : the dumb lizard was sleeping under my bathroom sink  
**pidgeon** : he’s okay now though i gave him some crickets and he’s friends with forrest now  
**daddy** : can we trade cats  
**pidgeon** : gross no i don’t want your incestual lesbian kittens  
**daddy** : DAMMIT  
**shiro#Gone:** at least your cat didn’t try to eat your arm  
**watch the queen conquer** : lmao which arm  
_*shiro#Gone has sent a picture*_  
**shiro#Gone** : what do you think  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** isn’t that part of your prosthetic  
**shiro#Gone:** well it’s not human flesh she’s eating so…

_— **keef** has changed the group chat name to “ **incestual lesbian kittens** ”—_

**pidgeon** : and you say i’m the weirdo

 

 _[3:52 pm]_  
**watch the queen conquer** : i’m a 27 year old woman and i’m eating disney princess kraft mac and cheese for dinner  
**watch the queen conquer** : accompanied with wine  
**watch the queen conquer** : what has my life become  
**shiro#Gone** : babe are you okay  
**daddy** : pidge is right you guys are gross  
**pidgeon** : allura can you share some of that mac and cheese  
**watch the queen conquer:** no  
**hunkules** : do you want me to come over and make you a proper meal  
**coran coran the gorgeous man** : don’t bother she’s locked herself in her room and has been watching her entire netflix list  
**daddy** : rip  
**keef** : proof pidge is still 12, their priorities involve mac and cheese  
**daddy** : um if that’s the case then i’m 12 too  
**daddy** : mac and cheese is bae  
**keef** : if mac and cheese is bae then wtf am i  
**daddy** : my bf  
**keef** : i wasn’t aware there’s a difference  
**pidgeon** : i agree with lance mac and cheese is the only bae you need  
**shiro#Gone** : is anyone else worried about allura  
**watch the queen conquer:** is it a bad idea to watch sad movies when you’re sad  
**shiro#Gone** : that’s it i’m coming over  
**pidgeon** : ew  
**daddy** : ew  
**keef** : ew  
**hunkules** : dang it now i want mac and cheese  
**pidgeon:** make some for me and lance  
**hunkules** : okay  
**daddy** : we’ll be @ your place in ten  
**keef** : this is just your way to get out of making dinner tonight isn’t it  
**daddy** : i cannot confirm or deny that

 

 _[5:35 pm]_  
**daddy** : HUNK MAKES THE BEST MAC AND CHEESE EVER CONFIRMED  
**shiro#Gone:** how much did you guys make  
**hunkules** : like four boxes of pasta worth  
**shiro#Gone** : what the hell  
**pidgeon** : we’re gonna get so fat because of hunk  
**keef** : if no one else is gonna say it i will  
**keef** : lance set himself on fire  
**daddy** : i was trying to help!!!!! and that’s the thanks i get???  
**hunkules** : yeah dude tbh you almost burned down my apartment  
**daddy** : fine  
**pidgeon** : is allura okay now  
**shiro#Gone** : considering she found the LGBT section  
**shiro#Gone** : no  
**keef:** rip allura  
**pidgeon** : why would she do that to herself  
**shiro#Gone:** she’s drunk, i had to put her phone on airplane mode  
**shiro#Gone** : now she’s crying in my arms over a movie that’s not even in english  
**daddy** : yikes  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** i’m more concerned as to why everyone made mac and cheese tonight  
**pidgeon** : it was a mac and cheese kind of day, i guess  
**pidgeon** : also we’re all too lazy to make actual food  
**hunkules** : we’re adults  
**daddy** : totally  
**keef** : not really tho  
**daddy** : keith nobody asked you


	3. who spilled the salt + #JESUS

_[11:45 am]_  
**pidgeon:** lance  & i just went on a grand adventure to the 99 cent store  
**hunkules:** why did you guys go to the 99 cent store  
**pidgeon:** why didn’t you go to the 99 cent store is a better question  
**daddy:** the 99 cent store is a magical place where dreams come true  
**keef:** can we stop saying 99 cent store it sounds weird now  
**daddy:** we bought a shitload of ramen and coloring books  
**keef:** why  
**shiro#Gone:** probably because lance is still mentally ten  
**daddy:** i mean you’re not wrong  
**daddy:** but also because we wanted to treat ourselves but we’re broke ass bitches  
**watch the queen conquer:** the ramen is reasonable but why coloring books  
**pidgeon:** lance left out the fact he bought a 12 pack of caprisuns  
**keef:** WHY  
**daddy:** because one is never too old for a juice box  
**pidgeon:** he also bought a pack of little mermaid stickers rip  
**pidgeon:** the glittery kind  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** that seems like a reasonable purchase  
**pidgeon:** is mentioning glitter a way to summon gays  
**keef** : or aliens. if you mention aliens we show up too  
**hunkules** : nah man i think that’s just you  
**daddy** : why am i being judged i’m a good person i don’t deserve this  
**keef** : “i’m a good person i don’t deserve this” the biggest lie lance mcclain has ever told, you heard it here folks  
**daddy** : R UDE DO YOU WANNA SPEND THE NIGHT ON THE COUCH  
**daddy** : i’ll make you sleep without ruby  
**daddy** : i’ll kidnap your daughter  
**keef** : no don’t  
**watch the queen conquer** : lance you were born  
**watch the queen conquer** : that’s why you deserve this torture we inflict upon you (((:  
**daddy** : goddammit  
**daddy** : well hey at least i didn’t buy an ancient gaming system like pidgeotto did  
**pidgeon** : IT WAS WORTH EVERY PENNY  
**daddy** : they literally were counting pennies out of their wallet to pay for it. not even kidding.  
**pidgeon** : hey i helped you buy that stupid cow figurine  
**daddy** : it’s porcelain and perfect it’s not stupid  
**shiro#Gone:** wait hold up if you’re both texting who’s driving your stupid selves home  
**pidgeon** : lmao we’re on the transit with all of our shit  
**pidgeon** : like the real pimps do it  
**shiro#Gone:** please don’t ever call yourself a pimp again i’ve known you since you were five  
**pidgeon** : whatever  
**daddy** : also keith has the car so  
**keef** : yes because i’m out grocery shopping  
**keef:** LIKE A RESPONSIBLE ADULT  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** good for you keith  
**hunkules** : what kind of coloring books did you guys get  
**pidgeon:** lance bought a my little pony one lmao  
**daddy:** PIDGE GOT THEMSELVES THREE DIFFERENT KINDS OF JESUS ONES SO IDK WHY THEY’RE MAKING FUN OF ME  
**pidgeon:** i wanna be saved you just wanna drag yourself deeper into hell  
**watch the queen conquer:** what on earth is a jesus coloring book  
**pidgeon:** it’s a coloring book but with biblical crap in it  
**hunkules:** you’re just gonna color everything rainbow aren’t you  
**pidgeon:** you’re goddamn right i am  
**shiro#Gone:** why am i friends with any of you

 _[12:19 pm]_  
**pidgeon:** i just baptized rover and he bit me  
**pidgeon:** does anyone know how to do an exorcism  
**keef:** pidge what the hell is wrong with you  
**daddy:** i told you i was getting some bad mojo off of those coloring books  
**pidgeon:** THE POWER OF JESUS CHRIST WILL SAVE US ALL  
**watch the queen conquer:** pidge aren’t you jewish  
**pidgeon:** only like ¼ on my mom’s side  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** you children confuse me  
**shiro#Gone:** welcome to my world  
**daddy** : keith is problematic because he bitched about me bringing home caprisuns but he’s already on his third one  
**keef:** if you didn’t buy my favorite we wouldn’t be in this mess  
**hunkules:** i wanna know why pidge tried to baptize their lizard in the first place  
**pidgeon:** because he was being a little shit to forrest  
**pidgeon:** maybe i should baptize both of them  
**daddy:** why are you such a little weirdo

_— **shiro#Gone** has changed the group chat name to “ **You All Need Jesus”** —_

**keef:** well shit  
**daddy:** did shiro just roast all of us  
**watch the queen conquer:** yup  
**watch the queen conquer:** #soproud

_— **daddy** has changed the group chat name to **“Y’ain’t Need Jesus”** —_

**hunkules:** lance why  
**daddy:** i did it for the memes  
**daddy:** WA IT

_— **daddy** has changed the group chat name to **“don’t let your memes be dreams”** —_

**pidgeon:** motherfucker  
_*pidgeon has sent a picture*_  
**daddy:** did  
**daddy:** did you make your lizard flip off the whole group chat  
**pidgeon:** yup  
**watch the queen conquer:** well then  
**hunkules:** rover didn’t ask for this  
**pidgeon:** none of us did

 _[2:42 pm]_  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** HEY EVERYONE I HACKED INTO CORAN’S ACCOUNT  
**pidgeon:** i just woke up from a nap i can’t read that loud  
**daddy:** allura?  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** no it’s a ghost  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** who else would it be  
**keef:** holy shit does coran know  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** yes and he won’t stop screaming about “how on earth did you figure out my password”  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** his password was password2020  
**hunkules** : wow  
**pidgeon:** lmao allura get on my level  
**pidgeon:** i know everyone’s password  
**daddy:** wait what  
**keef:** what  
**hunkules:** what  
**shiro#Gone:** jesus fuck pidge  
**pidgeon:** i could hack into any one of your accounts right now tbqh  
**shiro#Gone:** i’m changing mine right now oh my god  
**daddy:** you scare the hell out of me sometimes, you creepy little gremlin  
**pidgeon:** lmao just get a more secure wifi  
**watch the queen conquer:** DID YOU THINK YOU COULD OUTSMART ME ALLURA  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** CORAN WHAT THE HELL  
**watch the queen conquer:** your password was altea1990  
**watch the queen conquer:** not that hard to figure out  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** i hate you  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** but we’re even so

 _— **coran coran the gorgeous man** has left the chat—_  
_— **watch the queen conquer** has left the chat—_

 **hunkules:** what is going on anymore  
**pidgeon:** i have no idea but i'm about ready to get some popcorn

 _— **watch the queen conquer** has entered the chat—_  
_— **coran coran the gorgeous man** has entered the chat—_

 **watch the queen conquer:** well now that that’s over…  
**daddy:** pidge are you the reason why i keep getting subscribed to furry onlinezines  
**pidgeon:** i plead the fifth  
**daddy:** KATIE SAMANTHA HOLT  
**keef:** WAIT WHAT  
**hunkules:** holy shit  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** who’s katie  
**shiro#Gone:** HOW DID YOU GUYS NOT KNOW THIS  
**pidgeon:** end my existence  
**watch the queen conquer:** what just happened  
**pidgeon:** did any of you really think my actual name was pidge seriously my parents don’t hate me that much  
**pidgeon:** and yknow what if we’re playing dirty here Lance Charles McClain can tell the whole group chat about the story of how he got his stupid ass arrested for streaking back in his senior year of high school  
**daddy:** you dirty little gremlin  
**pidgeon:** >:V how dare you accuse me of such things  
**keef:** why is your middle name Charles  
**daddy:** i told you i’m not 100% cuban i have some white in me you fool  
**keef:** still  
**watch the queen conquer:** wait now i want to hear about lance being a bigger idiot than usual  
**daddy:** you guys are the reason i have self-esteem issues  
**watch the queen conquer:** <3  
**hunkules:** buddy do you want me to come over and give you a hug  
**daddy:** that’s nice dude but you live across town  
**hunkules:** I’D STILL DO IT FOR A BRO  
**daddy:** BRO  <3  
**hunkules:** BRO  <3  
**shiro#Gone:** what happened to our original conversation  
**pidgeon:** it died  
**keef:** just like my motivation to live  
**watch the queen conquer:** careful there keith your emo is showing  
**keef:** i hate all of you  
**daddy:** that’s not helping your situation yknow

 _[7:34 pm]_  
**hunkules:** who changed the netflix password

 _[7:45 pm]_  
**hunkules:** guys seriously i’m dying over here i need to watch my shows

 _[8:01 pm]_  
**hunkules:** YOU GUYS PLEASE TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON  
**hunkules:** i need to watch undercover boss it’s the only good drama out there  
**daddy:** allura changed the password  
**daddy:** because we all filled up her feed with stuff she didn’t like  
**keef:** maybe if you didn’t put gay porn in her list she wouldn’t have changed the password  
**daddy:** you watched it with me so  
**pidgeon:** STOP BEING NASTY  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** she won’t even let me have the password  
**shiro#Gone:** sucks to be you guys i have it  
**daddy:** SHIRO  
**keef:** shiro can i have the password  
**keef** : i promise i won’t tell lance  
**daddy:** i should break up with you for that smh  
**daddy:** pidge hack into allura's netflix  
**pidgeon:** um no thank you i don't want to die  
**daddy:** ...fair point

 _[8:34 pm]_  
**watch the queen conquer:** no one here is specifically to blame  
**watch the queen conquer:** i was just sick of you all being freeloaders  
**daddy:** sorry we can’t all live in a McMansion  
**pidgeon:** how else am i supposed to watch my alien documentaries  
**hunkules:** there’s always the history channel  
**pidgeon:** no that dude with the weird hair looks like an alien he freaks me out  
**daddy:** the meme guy  
**pidgeon:** yeah that meme guy  
**daddy:** OMG  
**daddy:** go color in your jesus book go get saved by the power of rainbows or whatever  
**pidgeon:** fuck you  
**daddy:** love you too, gremlin  
**keef:** wait hunk doesn’t shay have netflix  
**hunkules:** she won’t give me her password  
**daddy:** leave her  
**hunkules:** wtf no it’s not her password to give anyway it’s her grandma’s  
**hunkules:** and i’m not gonna get on her grandma’s bad side because that old lady can cook better than me  
**daddy:** oh damn  
**watch the queen conquer:** wow it’s so nice to see my netflix feed completely free of the bee movie and gay porn  
**keef:** lmao who was watching the bee movie  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** someone told me it was funny  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** but mostly i was just confused  
**daddy:** oh my god  
**pidgeon:** WAIT  
**pidgeon:** keith do you have the x-files on dvd  
**keef:** obviously  
**keef:** what kind of a scrub do you take me for  
**pidgeon:** can you bring them over to my place because i’m a lonely netflix-less nerd  
**keef:** be there in ten  
**pidgeon:** i love you i owe you my firstborn  
**daddy:** wtf ew no we’re not witches we don’t want that  
**keef:** also that implies someone would want to sleep with you  
**daddy:** OH SHIT  
**shiro#Gone:** why are you all so salty  
**pidgeon:** wow  
**pidgeon:** just  
**pidgeon:** wow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact my group chat is actually called "don't let your memes be dreams" so


	4. protest march discourse: the road trip [pt.1]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao this one is so wild i broke it up in parts here you go

_[7:58 am]_  
**keef:** someone please tell me that lance’s note was a joke and he’s not going to a protest march two towns away  
**daddy:** hey baby  
**keef:** LANCE WHERE ARE YOU  
**daddy:** on my way to fight for justice hbu  
**keef:** oh my god  
**keef:** you weren’t kidding  
**hunkules:** i gotta turn off my notifications  
**hunkules:** you guys woke me up for this???  
**shiro#Gone:** allura’s gone too she took coran and pidge with her  
**daddy:** i joined last-minute  
**watch the queen conquer:** we left at dawn and we’re not even close to halfway there  
**keef:** what the hell when are you guys going to be back  
**pidgeon:** in like two days if you count stops and shit  
**watch the queen conquer:** we could only fit four people in the cadillac sorry guys  
**watch the queen conquer:** otherwise i would’ve brought all of you  
**shiro#Gone:** why did you take the cadillac  
**watch the queen conquer:** i road trip in style just like everything else i do  
**daddy:** she’s right tbh  
**shiro#Gone:** so who’s coming back alive  
**pidgeon:** wow i’m wounded shiro  
**shiro#Gone:** just saying  
**watch the queen conquer:** i already threatened to leave anyone who questions my authority on the side of the highway so  
**pidgeon:** CORAN WOKE ME UP WITH FERGIE CAN WE KICK HIM OUT FOR THAT  
**daddy:** fuck no fergie is queen  
**keef** : i’m actually glad i’m not with you guys tbh  
**watch the queen conquer:** real talk everyone  
**watch the queen conquer** : like  
**watch the queen conquer:** we’re all minorities and it’s kind of terrifying right now???  
**keef:** hey i would have voted if i was registered  
**pidgeon:** and if i was 18 at the time  
**hunkules:** wait how is pidge a minority they’re white  
**pidgeon:** i’m a genderless bisexual, hunk  
**pidgeon:** i’m invisible  
**hunkules:** oh true  
**watch the queen conquer:** WE HAVE TO FIGHT  
**shiro#Gone:** you’re not going to get in any fights at the protest are you  
**watch the queen conquer:** only if there’s nazis  
**shiro#Gone:** punch one for me xx  
**watch the queen conquer:** got it  
**watch the queen conquer:** also i didn’t stay up all night making a sign for nothing  
**keef:** oh god do i want to know what the signs say  
**pidgeon:** i’m super proud of mine tbh  
**pidgeon:** it’s a picture of that trash can we have in the WH and it says “i’d call him a cunt but he lacks depth and warmth”  
**keef:** shit that’s good  
**daddy:** allura won’t show us hers  
**watch the queen conquer:** you’ll understand why later  
**daddy:** me and coran had to make ours last minute  
**daddy:** they just say “i’m so angry i made a sign”  
**shiro#Gone:** wow  
**pidgeon:** i almost shed a tear  
**pidgeon:** i’m ashamed  
**hunkules:** where’s coran been  
**watch the queen conquer:** he’s driving we’re going in shifts  
**hunkules:** aw man that sounds like a fun road trip  
**pidgeon:** lmao not rlly  
**watch the queen conquer:** you’re just mad coran didn’t stop for mcdonald’s  
**pidgeon:** i’m fucking starving  
**watch the queen conquer:** WE TALKED ABOUT THE PLAN, PIDGE  
**keef:** don’t say the fuck word you’re like 12  
**pidgeon:** the fuck word  
**pidgeon:** seriously

_— **pidgeon** has changed the group chat name to “ **the fuck word”** —_

**shiro#Gone:** why are you guys texting if you’re all in the same car  
**daddy:** coran asked for total silence while he’s driving  
**daddy:** we don’t even have road trip tunes anymore #cries  
**shiro#Gone:** well  
**shiro#Gone:** have fun with that

 _[11:28 am]_  
**daddy:** you haven't lived until you've seen Allura spit hot fire  
**pidgeon:** in Spanish  
**daddy:** with tears in her eyes holy yikes  
_*daddy has sent a video*_  
**shiro#Gone:** why do you guys have your rap music so loud  
**hunkules:** Allura how do you know Spanish  
**watch the queen conquer:** I technically speak four languages, Spanish + Arabic + Altean + English  
**hunkules:** what is Altean even  
**watch the queen conquer:** a mess  
**shiro#Gone:** are you gonna give everyone The Talk  
**watch the queen conquer:** should I  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** considering we're going to a protest for equal rights of people like us  
**watch the queen conquer:** no okay we all have every right to protest  
**watch the queen conquer:** but especially me  
**shiro#Gone:** are you texting and driving  
**watch the queen conquer:** no I'm voice typing it's okay  
**watch the queen conquer:** ANYWAY  
**watch the queen conquer:** try leaving your home country at ten because a dictator took over and then coming to this strange new land and having all your riches taken from you because the currency from your homeland isn't valid here at the time  
**watch the queen conquer:** I was ten years old and they put me on a plane by myself and when I got here I almost didn't find my father  
**watch the queen conquer:** my father worked two jobs and attended his night school to try and bring us back up to the success I eventually inherited when this country decided our old money was worth something  
**watch the queen conquer:** we also had to anglicize our names because no one could pronounce them  
**watch the queen conquer:** i mean my first name didn't change and in hindsight shortening our last names turned out to be helpful but regardless  
**daddy:** damn  
**watch the queen conquer:** SO I'M GOING TO PROTEST FOR MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS  
**pidgeon:** and those in between  
**watch the queen conquer:** yes them too  
**keef:** wait i have a question  
**watch the queen conquer:** ???  
**shiro#Gone:** how did you voice type three question marks  
**watch the queen conquer:** i’m typing at a stoplight okay  
**shiro#Gone:** oh my god  
**keef:** why do you and coran have vaguely british accents if your country was located in africa  
**watch the queen conquer:** altea was wedged between spain and morocco  
**watch the queen conquer:** they fought for dominance and spain won  
**watch the queen conquer:** but then great britain was like “hey we want this place” and took it for a while then gave it back to spain  
**daddy:** *history of japan music plays*  
**keef:** altean history is wild  
**watch the queen conquer:** AND THEN THE DICTATORSHIP STARTED  
**pidgeon:** yikes  
**watch the queen conquer:** now it’s not a country anymore  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** tragic, really  
**watch the queen conquer:** i don’t know what’s going on with it now but i’m never going to let anyone forget my roots  
**daddy:** u go girl  
**shiro#Gone:** will you stop texting and driving now  
**watch the queen conquer:** i’m back to voice typing  
**pidgeon:** i tried to take her phone but she looked at me and said she would take my soul  
**daddy:** how’s backseat life pidgeotto  
**pidgeon:** FUCK YOU AND YOUR SHOTGUN SEAT IF I HEAR PARTY IN THE USA ONE MORE TIME I’M GOING TO STRANGLE YOU WITH THE AUX CORD  
**keef:** don’t bother he would enjoy it  
**daddy:** WHAT THE HELL KEITH  
**keef:** <3  
**pidgeon:** SWEET BABY JESUS WHY ARE YOU ALL SO DISGUSTING  
**keef:** jk lance is a virgin  
**daddy:** KEITH SHUT UP  
**shiro#Gone:** wait what  
**hunkules:** oh my  
**watch the queen conquer:** how do we change topics so quickly oh my god  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** can we change again please i don’t want to hear what i’m about to hear  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** never mind lance is already screaming  
**keef:** lmao  
**keef:** not my fault he wanted to watch the little mermaid trilogy instead of dance with no pants  
**shiro#Gone:** keith shut up  
**daddy:** ARIEL WAS MISUNDERSTOOD  
**hunkules:** wait there's three little mermaid movies  
**pidgeon:** jesus christ  
**daddy:** BESIDES YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE SAFE  
**keef** : oh my god lance stop  
**daddy:** YOU STARTED THIS MESS  
**keef:** PIDGE WAS THE ONE WHO WANTED TO STRANGLE YOU  
**pidgeon:** BECAUSE MILEY CYRUS IS GARBAGE  
**daddy:** SAY THAT TO MY FACE YOU LITTLE GREMLIN FIGHT ME RIGHT NOW IN ALLURA’S CADILLAC  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** she’s pulling the cadillac over oh my god guys they’re actually going to fight send help  
**shiro#Gone:** now i’m kind of glad i didn’t join you guys  
**hunkules:** what is going on  
**keef:** i have no idea

 _[12:05 pm]_  
**watch the queen conquer:** pidge’s punishment is them having to drive  
**watch the queen conquer:** i don’t think they’ve ever driven on a highway before...  
**shiro#Gone:** allura  
**shiro#Gone:** pidge literally just got their license like a year ago  
**shiro#Gone:** why would you do that to them  
**daddy:** serves them right for kicking me in the shins and insulting the #queen  
**keef:** lance miley is trash just admit it  
**daddy:** FUCK YOU  
**hunkules:** you’re still mad she never continued being hannah aren’t you  
**daddy:** stay out of this hunk  
**hunkules:** wow okay fine  
**hunkules:** i’ll just stalk this  
**hunkules:** it’s like watching nat geo uncut tbh  
**keef:** i mean she’s not total trash  
**keef:** but like  
**keef:** she’s not beyonce  
**keef:** and that’s what you’re making her out to be  
**daddy:** we’re not having this discussion  
**daddy:** BECAUE ALLURA PUT ON PANIC ALLURA ILY  
**shiro#Gone:** excuse you  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** allura and lance are shrieking “IF YOU LOVE ME LET ME GO” should i be worried  
**hunkules:** no that’s normal for them  
**hunkules:** how’s pidge doing  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** about to have a heart attack from nervousness i think  
**shiro#Gone:** also normal

 _[1:30 pm]_  
**watch the queen conquer:** someone needs to settle this for us  
**watch the queen conquer:** is ranch on french fries disgusting or good  
**pidgeon:** IT’S AMAZING  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** NO IT’S DISGUSTING  
**watch the queen conquer:** i don’t like it either but lance and pidge are apparently big fans  
**watch the queen conquer:** coran was so disgusted he left the restaurant so i joined him in the car  
**shiro#Gone:** okay now i’m really glad i didn’t come with you guys  
**daddy:** keith don’t let me down  
**keef:** i’ve never tried it so i can’t say  
**daddy:** KEITH WHY  
**hunkules:** ranch on french fries is a culinary sin why would you do that  
**shiro#Gone:** nah guys i’m with pidge and lance it’s good  
**pidgeon:** HA TAKE THAT CORAN  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** i don’t care if the whole world thinks it’s the best thing ever i think IT’S HORRENDOUS  
**daddy:** hunk why would you deprive yourself of such deliciousness  
**hunkules:** did you guys seriously go on a road trip and not pack snacks  
**watch the queen conquer:** we didn’t have time to do that  
**hunkules:** justice gets hungry too, allura  
**watch the queen conquer:** that’s why we stopped at mcdonald’s  
**watch the queen conquer:** also pidge and lance were clutching their stomachs and practically whining so we basically had to stop for food  
**shiro#Gone:** but let’s be honest  
**shiro#Gone:** mcnuggets  >>> fries  
**pidgeon:** you come into this group chat  
**pidgeon:** and you insult my family  
**daddy:** nah shiro’s right  
**hunkules:** can we please stop yelling at each other seriously  
**watch the queen conquer** : i’m with hunk  
**watch the queen conquer:** can we all chill for like two hours  
**watch the queen conquer:** that’s all i’m asking  
**daddy:** fine  
**pidgeon:** whatever  
**shiro#Gone:** good luck.  
**keef:** lmao

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't text and drive kids


	5. protest march discourse: NASTY wild ride [pt.2]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part two of this garbage fic
> 
> you guys are gr8 tho thanks for thinking this is funny or whatever

_[4:50 pm]_  
**watch the queen conquer:** we’re stopping for the night we still have a few hours of driving to go  
**keef:** rip  
**shiro#Gone:** how is everyone still in one piece  
**watch the queen conquer:** i have no idea  
**pidgeon:** lance’s musical tastes make me wanna throw myself out of this car while it’s moving  
**hunkules:** is he playing hannah montana  
**pidgeon:** yes he brought her entire discography  
**keef:** rip  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** why are you complaining the songs are so catchy!!!  
**pidgeon:** oh fuck he brought high school musical as well  
**shiro#Gone:** so are you guys not all in this together  
**pidgeon:** did you just  
**shiro#Gone:** i know what jokes are  
**watch the queen conquer:** should i be glad i didn’t grow up watching those movies  
**shiro#Gone:** yes  
**hunkules:** hsm is so bad it’s good  
**pidgeon:** don’t let lance see this conversation omg  
**pidgeon:** quick fill it up with memes  
**keef:** nah let lance know what a fucking loser he is  
**hunkules:** wow someone enter keith kogane for boyfriend of the year  
**keef:** i know right

 _[6:57 pm]_  
**daddy:** DID YOU DIRTY FUCKERS INSULT HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL  
**keef:** oh shit  
**pidgeon:** i told you  
**daddy:** i can’t believe it  
**daddy:** i decided to check the group chat while picking up our pizza  
**daddy:** and this is what i come back to  
**hunkules:** i liked the first one  
**hunkules:** the rest were subpar  
**daddy:** i don’t need this kind of negativity in my life  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** allura just called an entire bed for herself  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** pidge and lance which one of you want the floor  
**daddy:** not it  
**pidgeon:** they say it’s good for your back so  
**pidgeon:** fine  
**keef:** are you guys spending the night at a hotel  
**pidgeon:** yeah we can’t spend any longer in the cadillac  
**shiro#Gone:** or you would kill each other?  
**daddy:** perfect timing as always shiro  
**shiro#Gone:** as if you would expect anything else from me  
**pidgeon:** wait if one of us is on the floor what’s the other option  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** share a bed with me  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** it’s not as bad as it sounds  
**daddy:** i’m down with that  
**pidgeon:** rip lance  
**watch the queen conquer:** coran snores  
**watch the queen conquer:** and wears curlers  
**daddy:** and i talk and wear a face mask so we’re even  
**keef:** he also drools  
**daddy:** A-HEM  
**hunkules:** are you guys gonna last the night  
**pidgeon:** who knows

 _[10:42 pm]_  
**watch the queen conquer:** lance and coran are watching hallmark movies instead of going to sleep send help  
**keef:** and he gives me shit for watching the x files???  
**keef:** fucking hallmark movies???  
**hunkules:** hallmark movies aren’t that bad  
**daddy:** i will not let you hate on things that give me joy  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** THEY WERE ROOMMATES  
**keef:** what  
**daddy:** the movie we’re watching  
**keef:** uh-huh  
**keef:** well you have fun with that  
**pidgeon:** allura just threw a pillow at them  
**pidgeon:** but missed  
**pidgeon:** and hit me instead  
**daddy:** PIDGEON JUST TACKLED ALLURA OFF HER BED THEY’RE IN AN ALL OUT PILLOW WAR HOLY SHIT  
_*daddy has sent a video*_  
**keef:** where’s popcorn when you need it  
**shiro#Gone:** you guys are gonna get kicked out of that hotel holy shit  
**daddy:** CORAN GOT IN ON IT  
**daddy:** I DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS SOMEONE SEND HELP

 _[11:45 pm]_  
_*daddy has sent a picture*_  
**daddy:** okay pidge is sleeping in their timeout corner  
**pidgeon:** don’t fucking call it that i’m not six  
**daddy:** go to bed  
**pidgeon:** you first  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** all of you go to bed right now if i see one more phone light up i swear to god  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** i need my beauty sleep  
**keef:** why are you all still awake  
**daddy:** justice never sleeps  
**keef:** the protest isn’t until tomorrow  
**daddy** : JUSTICE  
**pidgeon:** GO TO SLEEP LANCE  
**daddy:** gnight keith ily  
**keef:** ily2  
**pidgeon:** nasty fuckers

 _[7:15 am]_  
**daddy:** it’s too early to be alive send help  
**watch the queen conquer:** i’m almost back with starbucks just stay calm  
**daddy:** no coran is too cheery for me  
**daddy:** i want food  
**daddy:** why didn’t we get a hotel that includes breakfast  
**watch the queen conquer:** i’m getting you starbucks and this is how you treat me  
**pidgeon:** i appreciate you allura  
**watch the queen conquer:** thank you pidge  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** can you pick us up some breakfast sandwiches too  
**watch the queen conquer** : okay fine  
**hunkules:** you guys didn’t get a hotel that includes breakfast???  
**hunkules:** or bring snacks on a road trip???  
**watch the queen conquer:** this whole thing was very impromptu tbh  
**watch the queen conquer:** i’m going to walmart across the street you guys can have frozen food  
**daddy:** good enough  
**pidgeon:** rip my health  
**hunkules:** when does your grand protest march start  
**daddy:** 11 am we’re still not in the right town we gotta get driving soon  
**hunkules:** yikes  
**coran** **coran the gorgeous man:** what kind of four star hotel doesn’t have breakfast i’m so dissatisfied with this  
**daddy:** SAME

 _[11:01 am]_  
**daddy:** guys holy shit Allura’s sign  
_*daddy has sent a picture*_  
**keef:** “does this life matter” holy shit she just roasted every asshole out there  
**shiro#Gone:** allura is that you as a kid  
**watch the queen conquer:** yes  
**pidgeon:** why was puberty so good to you wtf  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** where are you guys I can't find you in this crowd  
**watch the queen conquer:** we’re in the front we managed to get the best spot  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** okay i’ll meet up with you in a few minutes  
**daddy:** uh guys i’m already lost  
**pidgeon:** same  
**watch the queen conquer:** this day is off to a lovely start

 _[2:35 pm]_  
**shiro#Gone:** how’s it going  
**watch the queen conquer:** lance and coran ditched me for a pride parade a few blocks over  
**pidgeon:** me too  
**watch the queen conquer:** PIDGE PLEASE  
**pidgeon:** coran’s going back soon don’t worry  
**keef:** wtf no one told me there was a pride parade nearby  
**watch the queen conquer:** that’s what you’re concerned about  
**watch the queen conquer:** not justice  
**keef:** have you ever been to a pride parade  
**watch the queen conquer:** i’m a cis straight woman so  
**keef:** tru  
**keef:** they’re wild  
_— **daddy** has changed their name to **bi bi bi** —_  
**bi bi bi:** GUYS THIS IS AMAZNIG THERE’S RAINBOWS AND LOVE EVERYWHERE IT’S 10000X TIMES BETTER THAN THE PROTEST  
**pidgeon:** he’s right tbh  
**bi bi bi:** someone gave me a little bi flag i’m so happy  
**bi bi bi:** coran almost joined an impromptu drag show  
**shiro#Gone:** what  
**shiro#Gone:** what happened to chilling for once  
**pidgeon:** it’s been way longer than 2 hours dude  
**watch the queen conquer:** well i’m gonna keep fighting for justice see you all later  
**shiro#Gone:** stay safe xx  
**watch the queen conquer:** xx

 _[6:47 pm]_  
**keef:** holy fuck  
**keef:** turn on the news  
**shiro#Gone:** what why  
**keef:** allura and coran made the news  
**shiro#Gone:** what  
_*keef has sent a picture*_  
**keef:** “a 27 year old woman and her 53 year old stepfather have been arrested for disorderly conduct at a local protest march”  
**hunkules:** where are pidge and lance  
**bi bi bi:** HEY GUYS  
**bi bi bi:** oh hey you already know  
**pidgeon:** we need your help  
**pidgeon:** we can’t make their bail  
**shiro#Gone:** i’m on my way  
**shiro#Gone:** if i drive nonstop i can make it there by midnight  
**hunkules:** how did they get arrested  
**bi bi bi:** funny story  
**pidgeon:** some assholes showed up and they brought up irrelevant bullshit  
**pidgeon:** someone said girls can ask for rape or whatever  
**pidgeon:** so allura took off her shirt and said if she was “asking for it” then  
**bi bi bi:** one of the guys tried to make a move on her so coran threw a punch  
**bi bi bi:** it turned into a brawl after that  
**keef:** holy shit  
**shiro#Gone:** i’m lowkey proud of her but jfc  
**hunkules** : how was the pride parade  
**pidgeon** : I GOT A GIRL’S NUMBER!!!! I KISSED HER!!!! HER NAME WAS KIMBERLY AND SHE LIKED ME!!!  
**bi bi bi:** pidgeon finally got some booty omg  
**pidgeon:** i wish  
**pidgeon:** should i text her first or would that seem desperate  
**keef:** aw little baby pidgeon all awkward  
**shiro#Gone:** are you just casually forgetting our friends are in prison  
**bi bi bi:** no they’re in holding  
**bi bi bi:** there’s a difference  
**hunkules:** mr. streaker would know  
**bi bi bi:** WHAT HAPPENS AT GARRISON STAYS AT GARRISON

_— **hunkules** has changed the group chat name to “ **WHAT HAPPENS AT GARRISON STAYS AT GARRISON”** —_

**keef:** i still wanna know how you morons all managed to survive boarding school  
**bi bi bi:** you don’t want to know  
**pidgeon:** really you don’t  
**hunkules:** it was dark times for the golden trio

 _[1:30 am]_  
**shiro#Gone:** allura and coran are bailed out and okay  
**shiro#Gone:** i’m tired  
**watch the queen conquer:** my knight in shining armor~  
**pidgeon:** gross some of us are trying to sleep  
**pidgeon:** also trying to fit five people in a double queen hotel room is HELL  
**keef:** yikes  
**bi bi bi:** no buying an extra room we share one like men  
**pidgeon:** easy for you to say you’re not sleeping on the floor  
**pidgeon:** oh god i think i just heard shiro and allura making out  
**keef:** pidge go to bed  
**pidgeon:** how can i sleep when an allura jr might be made in the same room i’m in  
**hunkules:** or shiro jr  
**pidgeon:** oh god  
**bi bi bi:** they’re not making out  
**bi bi bi:** WAIT YES THEY ARE OH NASTY I’M OUT OF HERE  
**pidgeon:** lance went to sleep in the bathtub i think  
**bi bi bi:** yuparoo  
**hunkules:** so  
**hunkules:** did you kids have fun  
**pidgeon:** define fun  
**pidgeon:** actually yknow i’m too tired to talk about what happened today  
**bi bi bi:** same


	6. early valentine's day special feature

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i felt compelled to make this a thing even though it's like a week early whatever lmao
> 
> enjoy

_[7:53 am]_  
**pidgeon:** oh god it's valentines day  
**bi bi bi:** and poor little pidgeon is all alone again  
**keef:** what happened to Kimberly from the pride parade  
**pidgeon:** funny story  
**pidgeon:** the number she gave me was one for a sex line  
**hunkules:** awww poor little pidgey  
**watch the queen conquer:** what’s everyone’s plans for today  
**pidgeon:** i’m almost afraid to find out  
**watch the queen conquer:** pidge if it makes you feel any better coran has locked himself in his room and is planning to watch romcoms all day by himself  
**pidgeon:** tag urself i’m coran  
**bi bi bi:** KEITH IS GOING TO SPOIL ME ROTTEN  
**hunkules:** what are you getting him  
**bi bi bi:** well  
**bi bi bi:** i was going to buy him TØP concert tickets cause he’s so emo  
**keef:** excuse me you like them too  
**bi bi bi:** but they were sold out  
**bi bi bi:** so i got him another leather jacket  
_*keef has sent a picture*_  
**shiro#Gone:** are those lance’s initials stitched on it  
**keef:** he told me it was either that or he’d cover me in hickeys before i left for work  
**pidgeon:** OKAY CHANGING THE TOPIC NOW  
**pidgeon:** shiro allura both of you keep your mouths shut i don’t wanna hear your plans for screwing each other’s brains out  
**watch the queen conquer:** okay first of all rude  
**watch the queen conquer:** second of all that’s not even in our plan  
**shiro#Gone:** what do you guys think we do when we’re together  
**bi bi bi:** nasty shit  
**pidgeon:** yes thank you lance  
**shiro#Gone:** wow  
**pidgeon:** after bailing allura out of jail last week you guys made out in the hotel room WITH THE REST OF US IN THERE  
**shiro#Gone:** no we didn’t  
**watch the queen conquer** : tbh yeah we kind of did  
**shiro#Gone:** shit  
**keef:** look on the bright side at least shiro knows how to have fun  
**shiro#Gone:** don’t make me give lance the name of your old youtube channel  
**keef:** shit okay  
**bi bi bi:** WAIT WHAT  
**keef:** i gotta get back to work see you losers later  
**hunkules:** says the guy with a youtube channel  
**pidgeon:** it’s probably full of him lipsyncing all time low and simple plan songs  
**shiro#Gone:** it is  
**keef:** i’ll tell allura how you almost got kicked out of the military  
**shiro#Gone:** okay fine  
**watch the queen conquer:** are you sure you two aren’t actually brothers  
**shiro#Gone:** we’re not i’m sure  
**shiro#Gone:** thank god  
**keef:** the feeling is mutual  
**hunkules:** wow so much for day of love  
  
_[12:35 pm]_  
**pidgeon:** SOS  
**pidgeon:** so turns out i did end up going on a date today  
**pidgeon:** a blind double date  
**bi bi bi:** explain how that works  
**pidgeon:** hunk and shay told me to join them on their dates today and they set me up with someone  
**pidgeon:** that someone is Shay's older brother who's like idk in his late twenties  
**keef:** yikes  
**pidgeon:** yeah no kidding  
**pidgeon:** I'm hiding in the bathroom I can't handle this  
**bi bi bi:** pidge this is finally ur chance to not be alone on v-day  
**bi bi bi:** you can lose ur vcard on v-day  
**pidgeon:** you of all people know damn well I'm not a virgin  
**keef:** wait how would lance know  
**pidgeon:** wait  
**pidgeon:** oh my god lance u never told him?  
**keef:** told me what  
**pidgeon:** yknow what I think I've spent enough time hiding im gonna try and enjoy this date  
**bi bi bi:** KATIE U DIRTY LITTLE GREMLIN  
_— **pidgeon** has changed their name to **dirty little gremlin** —_  
**dirty little gremlin** : lance and I dated in high school  
**keef** : what the actual fuck why  
**dirty little gremlin:** they weren’t many dating options at garrison and we were sick of being single  
**dirty little gremlin** : ergo he is not a virgin either  
**dirty little gremlin** : I don't think I have to explain myself any further  
**keef:** oh my god  
**keef:** lance we're talking about this when I get off work  
**bi bi bi:** what about our dinner plans  
**keef:** calm your tits i’ll still bring you home ferrero rochers and ben  & jerry’s  
**bi bi bi:** we’re watching fifty shades too right  
**dirty little gremlin:** WHAT THE FCUK ARE YU SHITTING ME  
**bi bi bi:** calm down we watch it to make fun of it  
**keef:** he’s serious don’t worry we both hate that str8 nonsense  
**bi bi bi:** seriously pidgeon i have more taste than that  
**bi bi bi:** @keith hurry home bby  
**keef:** you’re gross  
**bi bi bi:** <3333  
  
_[1:31 pm]_  
**dirty little gremlin:** SHAY’S BROTHER IS PROBABLY THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE I’VE EVER MET WHY DID SHE THINK I WOULD BE GOOD WITH HIM  
**keef:** because shay is super nice but also kind of oblivious  
**dirty little gremlin:** i mean you’re not wrong but  
**dirty little gremlin:** he goes by rax and he ruined lunch by bringing up politics  
**dirty little gremlin:** we’re going to see a movie next i think  
**bi bi bi:** guys this is the worst day ever  
**keef:** is this because the flower delivery guy gave your flowers to the wrong apartment  
**dirty little gremlin:** gross  
**bi bi bi:** you wish someone sent you flowers, pidgey  
**dirty little gremlin:** fuck no i wish this date would be over  
**bi bi bi:** it’s the worst day ever because i’m home alone on valentines day  
**dirty little gremlin:** shit do you wanna trade  
**keef:** not my fault i had to work today  
**keef:** people want their fucking coffee  
**keef:** besides if you think you got it bad shiro and allura showed up and they were disgusting. they kissed in front of me and god and the entire world. i threatened to spit in their drinks.  
**dirty little gremlin:** that’s not too bad because rax won’t stop draping his arm around my shoulders  
**dirty little gremlin:** he’s an aggressive flirt  
**dirty little gremlin:** someone trade me  
**dirty little gremlin:** n OW  
**bi bi bi:** no if we have to suffer so do you  
  
_[4:52 pm]_  
**bi bi bi:** okay guys do you think shiro and allura broke up or got engaged  
**hunkules:** wait what  
**hunkules:** i was gone for most of the day i need to recap what went down  
**bi bi bi:** allura’s newest instagram post is very vague  
_*bi bi bi has sent a photo*_  
**dirty little gremlin:** why are you on instagram  
**bi bi bi:** because i can be bUT MY POINT IS WHY IS IT A BLACK AND WHITE FILTER  
**hunkules:** um because why not  
**bi bi bi:** BLACK AND WHITE FILTERS ARE USUALLY SAD AND/OR NOSTALGIC  
**hunkules:** they’re just holding hands  
**hunkules:** and allura always wears a lot of rings so who can tell if any of them is an engagement ring  
**bi bi bi:** she captioned it with “that would be enough” without any emojis or tags  
**bi bi bi:** i think they broke up  
**keef:** jfc lance i’m telling you they got engaged shiro wouldn’t break up with her  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** oh you all already know  
**dirty little gremlin:** know what  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** NEVERMIND  
**bi bi bi:** coran settle this for us what the fuck went down for shallura  
**keef:** what the fuck is shallura  
**dirty little gremlin:** oh my god lance are shiro and allura your otp  
**bi bi bi:** I JUST WANT MY FRIENDS TO BE HAPPY  
**keef:** this is why i locked myself in the bathroom jfc he’s going crazy over it  
**keef:** i just wanted to binge on chocolate and snuggle with my boyfriend  
**dirty little gremlin:** you nasty  
**bi bi bi:** stop being jealous you didn't get any today pidgey  
**dirty little gremlin:** actually i'm very happy with rover forrest and my ramen so   
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** there’s good news and bad news  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** good news i don’t have to leave the house seeing how they’re not here to do unspeakable things  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** bad news is yes i think they broke up because allura came home alone and locked herself in her room  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** i think she’s crying she’s been pretty quiet  
**bi bi bi:** WHAT THE FUCK  
**keef:** HELL NO  
**dirty little gremlin:** WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN THEM  
**hunkules:** HOLY CRAP  
**keef:** i just tried texting shiro he won’t even open them  
**bi bi bi:** i can’t believe shallura is over  
**keef:** i still can’t believe you fucked pidgeon  
**hunkules:** you didn’t know that?  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** lance did what to a pigeon  
**bi bi bi:** OH MY GOD JUST DROP IT  
**dirty little gremlin:** never  
**keef:** so much for our romantic night in  
**bi bi bi:** bby pls come out of the bathroom i can’t make fun of christian and anastasia by myself it’s not as fun  
**hunkules:** oh my god are you guys watching fifty shades  
**bi bi bi:** WE WATCH IT IRONICALLY IT’S A LONG STORY SCROLL UP HUNK  
**hunkules:** why am i friends with you weirdos  
**dirty little gremlin:** i ask myself the same question every time i open this god forsaken chat

**_~ ~ ~_ **

_DM: **shiro#Gone** & **watch the queen conquer**_

_[8:29 pm]_  
**shiro#Gone:** so  
**shiro#Gone:** are you going to ignore me now

 _[8:45 pm]_  
**shiro#Gone:** allura please  
**shiro#Gone:** i know you’ve read these  
**shiro#Gone:** you had to have gotten my calls  
**shiro#Gone:** i get it, okay? we’re both broken sometimes and it’s hard to “fix” each other like we thought when we started this out  
**shiro#Gone:** i didn’t mean to yell at you it’s just hard for me to function sometimes because  
**shiro#Gone:** i don’t know why. it’s just hard. i've been through a lot and i don't mean to drag people into it.  
**shiro#Gone:** you're too good for me sometimes so  
**shiro#Gone:** i love you

 _[9:02 pm]_  
**shiro#Gone:** for what it’s worth i’m sorry  
**shiro#Gone:** i shouldn’t shut you out on anything anymore  
**shiro#Gone:** you can know whatever you want about my past.  & i’ll listen to you about anything you want to talk about. or don’t want to. it doesn’t matter.  
**shiro#Gone:** i just really care about you and i don’t want to ruin what we have  
**shiro#Gone:** yeah. That’s it.  
**watch the queen conquer:** no it was my fault i shouldn’t have pressured you  
**watch the queen conquer:** you don’t have to share anything you don’t want to  
**shiro#Gone:** for you i would  
**shiro#Gone:** you mean a lot to me  
**watch the queen conquer:** i love you too by the way  <3 you’re my world takashi  
**shiro#Gone:** i thought it was my job to make you blush  
**watch the queen conquer:** consider that payback then  
**watch the queen conquer:** i see your car outside you can come in. you know where the key is.  
**shiro#Gone:** xx  
**watch the queen conquer:** xx

**_~ ~ ~_ **

_[10:21 pm]_  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** SHIRO AND ALLURA DEFINITELY AREN’T BROKEN UP  
**dirty little gremlin:** well then  
**hunkules:** guys help shay fell asleep on top of me  
**dirty little gremlin:** most guys usually don't complain about that  
**hunkules:** I CAN'T FEEL MY OTHER ARM  
**dirty little gremlin:** rip  
**dirty little gremlin:** how was movie night with yourself coran  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** ryan gosling and ryan reynolds both made me cry a lot  
**hunkules:** oh no  
**dirty little gremlin:** did you watch deadpool or a romcom omg  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** both  
**hunkules:** smart man  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** in other news  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** i'm not a religious man but i'm praying for god to take me now so i don't have to endure this torture  
**dirty little gremlin:** we'll miss u coran  
**dirty little gremlin** : you were pretty cool for an old guy  
**coran coran the gorgeous man:** EXCUSE ME  
**hunkules:** oh crap  
**dirty little gremlin:** "gnight fuck'os"—space queen  
_— **dirty little gremlin** has changed their name to **wanna-be**   **space queen** —_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tag urself i'm coran


	7. ihop + walmart shenanigans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mild s2 spoilers but not really? there's just a namedrop rlly otherwise it's safe

_[10:23 am]_  
**shiro#Gone:** what happened yesterday  
**bi bi bi:** why hello Mr.  & Mrs. Lyons  
**shiro#Gone:** wait what  
**watch the queen conquer:** I like the sound of that  
**watch the queen conquer:** it’s shorter than Shirogane  
**watch the queen conquer:** or hyphenating  
**shiro#Gone:** that's not how it works  
**wanna-be space queen:** are you sure  
**bi bi bi:** are you sure  
**keef:** are you absolutely sure  
**shiro#Gone:** we’re not engaged anyway what the hell why do you guys always jump to conclusions  
**wanna-be space queen:** because lance has no chill whatsoever  
**bi bi bi:** u right  
**bi bi bi:** so you guys aren’t over or engaged???  
**watch the queen conquer:** we’re back to normal  
**keef:** thank god  
**hunkules:** so we all freaked over nothing  
**watch the queen conquer:** pretty much  
**watch the queen conquer:** also @pidge excuse me but there can only be one queen  
**wanna-be space queen:** shit you right  
_— **wanna-be space queen** changed **watch the queen conquer** ’s name to **dethroned** —_  
**dethroned:** eXCUSE YOU  
**bi bi bi:** wait is that a thing we can do  
**bi bi bi:** can we change each other’s names  
**wanna-be space queen:** nope  
**wanna-be space queen:** only me  
**wanna-be space queen:** i made this chat so I AM YOUR GOD NOW  
**shiro#Gone:** if you’re god then i’m an atheist now  
**keef:** you were always an atheist  
**shiro#Gone:** shut up keith  
**bi bi bi:** hey that’s my line  
_— **wanna-be space queen** changed **bi bi bi’** s name to **keith’s bitch** —_  
**keith’s bitch:** motherfucker  
**keith’s bitch:** i mean it’s not a lie but  
**dethroned:** shut up lance  
**hunkules:** dear god pls spare me  
**wanna-be space queen:** okay  
**hunkules:** thank u  
_— **wanna-be space queen** changed **keef** ’s name to **slut for fox mulder** —_  
**slut for fox mulder:** well  
**slut for fox mulder:** at least pidgeon knows us well  
**keith’s bitch:** are you done now  
**wanna-be space queen:** maybe  
**wanna-be space queen:** WAI T  
_— **wanna-be space queen** changed **coran coran the gorgeous man** ’s name to **nigel thornberry** —_  
**keith’s bitch:** lmao  
**wanna-be space queen:** okay now i’m done  
**shiro#Gone:** so i wasn’t the only one who thought they look alike  
**nigel thornberry:** i have many questions  
**nigel thornberry:** my username change is one of them  
**nigel thornberry:** why is it changed  
**nigel thornberry:** and who’s nigel thornberry  
**slut for fox mulder:** apparently pidge is god now  
**wanna-be space queen:** damn straight  
**keith’s bitch:** how do you not know who nigel thornberry is  
_*keith’s bitch has sent a picture*_  
**hunkules:** did you casually forget allura and coran aren’t american  
**dethroned:** no i know who nigel thornberry is i just never watched the show  
**nigel thornberry:** did shiro say i look like him  
**shiro#Gone:** no  
**nigel thornberry:** first you break into my house to spend the night and YOU EAT MY PANCAKES WITHOUT PERMISSION  
**nigel thornberry:** now you say i look like a cartoon character!!!! i can’t believe this lack of respect!!!!  
**keith’s bitch:** shiro why would you do that to this poor old man  
**nigel thornberry:** I’M NOT OLD  
**shiro#Gone:** sorry about the pancakes  
**shiro#Gone:** i didn’t know  
**wanna-be space queen:** shiro why would you steal someone’s pancakes  
**hunkules:** yeah dude just because you fought for this country doesn’t mean you have the right to steal pancakes  
**shiro#Gone:** I DIDN’T KNOW THEY WERE CORAN’S OKAY THEY WERE JUST SITTING THERE  
**keith’s bitch:** WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD LEAVE PANCAKES SITTING AROUND  
**shiro#Gone:** CORAN I GUESS???  
**nigel thornberry:** i will never give u the blessing to marry allura  
**nigel thornberry:** not unless you make me replacement pancakes  
**dethroned:** shiro get back here and make him some pancakes we’re probably going to need that blessing someday  
**keith’s bitch:** ayyy called it  
**shiro#Gone:** jfc i’ll take you guys to ihop  
**nigel thornberry:** good enough  
**wanna-be space queen:** can i come with  
**wanna-be space queen:** i had a shitty valentine’s day i wanna drown my sorrow in all you can eat pancakes  
**dethroned:** u poor thing  
**keith’s bitch:** shit pidge you could eat for free you look 12 and under  
**wanna-be space queen:** fuck off  
**shiro#Gone:** i’ll swing by to pick you up  
**wanna-be space queen:** thank u shiro i owe u my life  
**hunkules:** shay spent the night and i’m too tired to make her breakfast can we meet you guys at ihop  
**dethroned:** !!!! tell shay i said hello!!!! I haven’t seen her in ages!!!!  
**hunkules:** she said hi back  
**keith’s bitch:** did the hunk o’ burnin love finally get some  
**hunkules:** no  
**hunkules:** and even if i did i don’t brag about it like some people  
**keith’s bitch:** wow okay just wanted to congratulate a bro and that’s what i get  
**shiro#Gone:** i’m going to pick up allura and coran now we’ll see you guys there in half an hour  
**slut for fox mulder:** hold up i want pancakes  
**keith’s bitch:** you just HAD to go to work you don’t get any  
**slut for fox mulder:** sorry i want to make a living, someone's gotta make fancy coffee  
**keith’s bitch:** jk i’ll go with them and eat some in your honor  
**slut for fox mulder** : thanks i guess???  
**keith’s bitch:** <333  
**shiro#Gone:** lance am i picking you up too  
**hunkules:** nah i’ll get him  
**keith’s bitch:** i feel so loved omg  
**wanna-be space queen:** shiro should steal people’s pancakes more often  
**shiro#Gone:** oh my god

 _[1:30 pm]_  
**wanna-be space queen:** so we ran into allura and lance’s exes at ihop  
**wanna-be space queen:** and found out they’re dating each other  
**slut for fox mulder:** oh shit  
**dethroned:** LOTOR JUST WANTED ME FOR MY MONEY I CAN’T BELIEVE HE DECIDED TO SHOW HIS FACE IN FRONT OF ME AGAIN  
**wanna-be space queen:** okay but  
**wanna-be space queen:** it’s not like he knew you would be there  
**slut for fox mulder:** why did you date a guy named lotor  
**dethroned:** why are you dating a guy named lance  
**slut for fox mulder:** fair point  
**keith’s bitch:** okay not really feeling the love anymore  
**keith’s bitch:** also tbh it’s nyma’s loss she’s dating a scrublord now  
**dethroned:** damn straight she is  
**shiro#Gone:** what did that lotor guy do to you geez  
**dethroned:** i told you  
**dethroned:** he dated me for my money  
**keith’s bitch:** so you were his sugar mama  
**dethroned:** in a manner of speaking  
**shiro#Gone:** so that’s why you made me play no scrubs the entire ride back to your place  
**dethroned:** yes  
**hunkules:** yikes  
**wanna-be space queen:** why does hunk always end up being the bystander  
**hunkules:** because i hate confrontation and tbh i thought lance was gonna throw a pancake at that nyma chick  
**keith’s bitch:** no omg that would be rude to the pancake  
**wanna-be space queen:** oh shit  
**keith’s bitch:** nyma and her cheating ass is too good for pancakes  
**slut for fox mulder:** you never said she cheated on you  
**keith’s bitch:** yeah well i showed her when we broke up so  
**wanna-be space queen:** didn’t you just send her a bunch of snapchats of you lipsyncing bye bye bye by nsync  
**keith’s bitch:** N O  
**hunkules:** yeah you did we were there while you filmed it  
**hunkules:** it was the time we found you crying in the dark listening to selena and we had to drag you out of your apartment because you hadn’t seen sunlight in like three days  
**keith’s bitch:** WHAT HAPPENS AT GARRISON STAYS AT GARRISON  
**wanna-be space queen:** that happened after garrison tho  
**wanna-be space queen:** like a year after we graduated  
**keith’s bitch:** wow okay there is no love at all anymore  
**shiro#Gone:** i don’t think there ever was lance tbqh  
**keith’s bitch:** wow shiro thanks i can always count on you for support  
**nigel thornberry:** and to steal pancakes  
**shiro#Gone:** goddammit

 _[3:16 pm]_  
**shiro#Gone:** will someone politely tell pidge that they’re not the real slim shady  
**wanna-be space queen:** yes i am shut up takashi  
**shiro#Gone:** excuse me  
**keith’s bitch:** how does pidgey know who slim shady is  
**wanna-be space queen:** my workout mixtape is very wild  
**keith’s bitch:** you work out?  
**wanna-be space queen:** i’m the most buff midget this side of town  
**wanna-be space queen:** where do you think i get those muscles  
**keith’s bitch:** idk  
**shiro#Gone:** pidge has been doing a military-style workout since they were like ten courtesy of matt and myself  
**shiro#Gone:** don’t arm wrestle them  
**shiro#Gone:** they almost beat me once  
**wanna-be space queen:** are you sure they didn't give you robot DNA when you got your prosthetic  
**shiro#Gone:** i’m positive  
**slut for fox mulder:** pidge is pretty gangster i would definitely think they’re the real slim shady  
**wanna-be space queen:** THANK YOU KEITH  
_— **wanna-be space queen** has changed their name to **the real slim shady** —_  
**shiro#Gone:** oh for god’s sake  
_*the real slim shady has sent a picture*_  
**keith’s bitch:** yes because a martian head hoodie is so gangster  
**hunkules:** are those even real gang symbols you’re pulling pidge  
**the real slim shady:** idk maybe  
**shiro#Gone:** is that a caprisun pouch in the background  
**the real slim shady:** fuck yeah  
**the real slim shady:** real gangsters drink juice boxes  
**keith’s bitch:** sweet i’m a gangster now too  
_*keith’s bitch has sent a picture*_  
**shiro#Gone:** look at what you started pidge  
**the real slim shady:** gangster revolution  
_*dethroned has sent a picture*_  
**dethroned:** you called?  
**shiro#Gone:** no not you too  
**keith’s bitch:** now that’s not fair  
**the real slim shady:** i nominate allura for queen of us true gangsters  
**dethroned:** does this mean i get my queen title back  
**the real slim shady:** fiiiine  
**dethroned:** thank u  
_— **dethroned** has changed their name to **gangster queen** —_  
**slut for fox mulder:** my mom died because of gang violence  
**keith’s bitch:** i’m sorry bby  
**slut for fox mulder:** lmao jk she was actually in a cult  
**slut for fox mulder:** the 80s and 90s were some wild shit i guess  
**the real slim shady:** yikes  
**shiro#Gone:** do any of us have normal family situations  
**gangster queen:** nope

 _[6:54 pm]_  
**the real slim shady:** hey guys it’s matt  
**keith’s bitch:** MATTY BAE  <333  
**slut for fox mulder:** what’s up asshole  
**hunkules:** WHAT UP DUDE  
**shiro#Gone:** MATT  
**shiro#Gone:** how did you get into pidge’s phone  
**the real slim shady:** hey guys what up  
**the real slim shady:** i have my ways  
**the real slim shady:** your usernames are all fucking weird what the hell  
**keith’s bitch:** you can blame your gremlin of a little sibling for that  
**the real slim shady** : of course  
**the real slim shady:** anyway i lost them in walmart and they left their phone in the shopping cart so  
**hunkules:** are you telling us that hacker extraordinaire katie/pidge holt doesn’t have a lock on their phone  
**the real slim shady:** oh no they do but it’s obvious  
**the real slim shady:** it’s their birthday backwards  
**keith’s bitch:** wow  
**gangster queen:** hello matt i’ve heard a lot about you  
**gangster queen:** i’m allura pidge’s resident mom friend and shiro’s gf  
**the real slim shady:** nice to meet you  
**slut for fox mulder:** matt do you still have my nunchucks  
**the real slim shady:** yeah  
**slut for fox mulder:** dude it’s been three months i want them back  
**the real slim shady:** no they’re mine now  
**slut for fox mulder:** you motherfucker i will steal your leg if you don’t give back my nunchucks  
**gangster queen:** wait what  
**the real slim shady** : lmao did shiro never tell you i lost my leg  
**shiro#Gone:** yeah we left some stuff back in afghanistan  
**shiro#Gone:** maybe we’ll go back to get them someday  
**the real slim shady** : fuck no i don’t wanna lose my other leg  
**shiro#Gone:** eh i don’t think i need both arms  
**gangster queen:** wtf yes you do  
**keith’s bitch:** am i the only one who’s kinda worried about pidge being lost in walmart  
**slut for fox mulder:** oh shit yeah security might write them off as a missing child  
**the real slim shady:** lmao nah if anything they’re waiting in the car wondering where their phone is  
**the real slim shady:** oh shit never mind  
_*the real slim shady sent a video*_  
**slut for fox mulder:** pidge yelling “MATTHEW CONNOR HOLT” while riding a pink tricycle in a walmart is my aesthetic  
**keith’s bitch:** i wanna be pidge when i grow up  
**shiro#Gone:** we’re all older than them  
**keith’s bitch:** i stand by my statement

 _[7:15 pm]_  
**shiro#Gone:** did you guys get kicked out of walmart  
**the real slim shady:** no we got escorted out  
**the real slim shady:** this is pidge btw NOT THE TRAITOR  
**slut for fox mulder:** hey pidge can you get my nunchucks back for me  
**the real slim shady** : no because the last time you had them you gave hunk a bloody nose  
**hunkules:** true  
**slut for fox mulder:** THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT  
**hunkules:** i know buddy it’s okay i’m over it  
**slut for fox mulder** : rip my nunchucks  
**shiro#Gone:** why did you even have nunchucks anyway  
**slut for fox mulder** : idk they were a birthday gift from lance and i eventually got so bored i learned how to actually use them  
**keith’s bitch:** i just wanted a tough bf okay  
**hunkules:** keith’s scary enough why did you give him nunchucks  
**slut for fox mulder:** how am i scary  
**the real slim shady:** idk you just kinda come off as intimidating at first  
**the real slim shady:** but when we get to know you we realize you’re a fucking loser  
**slut for fox mulder:** wow i can see what lance means by how much love this chat has  
**keith’s bitch:** ikr

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh my phone passcode is almost the same as pidge's rip


	8. what did any of them do to deserve this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's been a while guys i've had like 12 mental breakdowns in a week bUT S'ALL GOOD
> 
> username guide because everyone keeps changing shit:  
> pidge: the real slim shady  
> allura: gangster queen  
> keith: slut for fox mulder  
> shiro: shiro#Gone  
> lance: keith's bitch  
> hunk: hunkules  
> coran: nigel thornberry

_[9:56 am]_  
**keith’s bitch:** KEITH EXPOSED  
**the real slim shady:** lance can you maybe chill i just woke up  
**gangster queen:** lance doesn’t understand the meaning of chill  
**keith’s bitch:** u right  
**keith’s bitch:** BUT ANYWAY MY BOYFRIEND IS A COUNTRY MUSIC LOVING FUCK I KNEW HE WASN’T THAT EMO  
**slut for fox mulder:** how do you know that  
**keith’s bitch:**  um hello??? we share a spotify account???  
**keith’s bitch:** and you follow at least three country music playlists and even have a daily mix dedicated to that garbage  
**hunkules:** lance let the man be  
**shiro#Gone:** yeah he’s from texas what do you expect  
**keith’s bitch:** I EXPECTED SOME MILD RACISM SOMETIMES AND A TERRIBLE ACCENT NOT SHIT TASTE IN MUSIC  
**slut for fox mulder:** i’m going to get fired because of this hell group i swear  
**gangster queen:** “i expected some mild racism”—lance mcclain  
**gangster queen:** wow  
**keith’s bitch:** why is there so much reba mcentire and toby keith  
**keith’s bitch:** keith bby i thought you were a good person  
**slut for fox mulder:** i was raised on that kind of music okay  
**keith’s bitch:** is that why you have a mullet  
**slut for fox mulder:** ???  
**shiro#Gone:** to be honest yeah dude your hair looks like a mullet  
**slut for fox mulder:** i just wanted to grow it out whats wrong with that  
**the real slim shady:** its probably because you don’t style it  
**the real slim shady:** like coran  
**the real slim shady:** he probably steals allura’s hair products or some shit i s2g  
**gangster queen:** lmao no i steal his  
**gangster queen:** he stole my eyeliner tho  
**nigel thornberry:** tHAT WAS ONE TIME  
**gangster queen:** YEAH BUT YOU NEVER GAVE IT BACK  
**nigel thornberry:** IT COMPLIMENTS MY EYES  
**gangster queen:** YES THAT IS THE WHOLE POINT OF EYELINER  
**shiro#Gone:** babe you can just borrow my eyeliner  
**gangster queen:** shiro ily but no  
**gangster queen:** you use drugstore stuff and that gives me a rash  
**the real slim shady:** allura is allergic to poor people confirmed  
**gangster queen:** if that was the case i wouldn’t be friends with lance  
**keith’s bitch:** FUCKING EXCUSE ME  
**keith’s bitch:** I BOUGHT YOU SUBWAY LAST WEEK I’M NOT POOR  
**slut for fox mulder:** so thats what you needed 20 bucks for???  
**gangster queen:** LMAO  
**the real slim shady:** lance why don’t you get a real job  
**keith’s bitch:** i applied to walmart but they won’t call me back  
**shiro#Gone:** so apply somewhere else  
**shiro#Gone:** we live in the city there’s plenty of jobs dude  
**keith’s bitch:** ehhhhhhh  
**hunkules:** you’re just lazy aren’t u  
**keith’s bitch:** #exposed  
**the real slim shady:** hey man im gonna quit my job soon you can take my spot  
**shiro#Gone:** why are you quitting your job  
**the real slim shady:** because i’m not allowed to be called a ‘they’ at shitty ass dominos + the chuck e cheese across the street pays better  
**keith’s bitch:** lmao are you gonna last there pidgeon  
**keith’s bitch:** are you sure you wont suffocate those kids in the ball pit  
**the real slim shady:** one day you’re gonna need dental and you wont make fun of me  
**keith’s bitch:** wtf they pay dental  
**the real slim shady:** yee  
**the real slim shady:** they need someone to fix the machines  
**slut for fox mulder:** it’s probably better than shitbucks  
**shiro#Gone:** lance you need a job  
**keith’s bitch:** UGGGGGGH  
**nigel thornberry:** do you want us to hire you as a butler  
**keith’s bitch:** no ur my friends that’d be weird  
**gangster queen:** the vet clinic needs a new receptionist soon  
**gangster queen:** but you can’t flirt with anyone  
**keith’s bitch:** rip  
**slut for fox mulder:** wtf you better not flirt with anyone else  
**keith’s bitch:** jk boo  
**keith’s bitch:** @allura i’ll think about it i guess  
**slut for fox mulder:** ur stupid ass is gonna get a job or i will fill out an application for you  
**keith’s bitch:** u do that and i’ll fill your music library with justin bieber  
**keith’s bitch:** dont think i won't  
**slut for fox mulder:** you motherfucker  
**keith’s bitch:** luv u <33333  
**slut for fox mulder:** luv u 2 <3333  
**hunkules:** you guys are weirdos

 _[11:35 am]_  
**hunkules:** hey guys quick question  
**the real slim shady:** whaddup  
**gangster queen:** hey  
**hunkules:** can cats be retarded  
**gangster queen:** what the hell  
**the real slim shady:** lmao first incestual lesbians and now retards  
**hunkules:** that was probably a bad way to word it but  
**hunkules:** yeah  
_*hunkules has sent a picture*_  
**hunkules:** sunny keeps trying to eat her paws and she bumps her head a lot  
**gangster queen:** in a manner of speaking yes cats can be mentally handicapped  
**hunkules:** otherwise she’s super nice  
**hunkules:** she did stow away in shays purse one time tho  
**hunkules:** and ended up going home w her  
**the real slim shady:** is my cat the only sane one  
**gangster queen:** hasn’t ur cat tried to eat ramen and leaves  
**the real slim shady:** yup she’s just like her owner she’s a little weirdo  
**keith’s bitch:** a little???  
**the real slim shady:** gtfo lance why are you here  
**keith’s bitch:** omg r00d  
**keith’s bitch:** i just got back from involuntarily going job hunting w shiro  
**the real slim shady:** rip  
**shiro#Gone:** i cant believe lance tried to lock me in the bathroom of a wendy’s  
**gangster queen:** wait what  
**keith’s bitch:** wait hunk’s cat is retarded???  
**hunkules:** maybe??? we’re not sure??? she might just be weird  
**gangster queen:** you should probably make her wear mittens if she keeps trying to eat her own paws  
**keith’s bitch:** KITTENS WEARING MITTENS!!!!!????  
**keith’s bitch:** IM GONNA KNIT SOME MITTENS FOR BLUE AND RUBY NOW PEACE OUT LOSERS  
**the real slim shady:** ur going to knit and u call us losers???  
**hunkules:** yikes  
**shiro#Gone:** are we just gonna casually forget lance tried to lock me in a wendy’s bathroom  
**keith’s bitch:** i plead the fifth  
**shiro#Gone:** what did i do to deserve that tho  
**shiro#Gone:** it was the ladies bathroom too  
**nigel thornberry:** lance what is wrong with you  
**keith’s bitch:** i wasn’t gonna work at trashy-ass wendy’s  
**slut for fox mulder:** for someone who can’t get a job ur way too picky about where you wanna work  
**keith’s bitch:** stay out of this keith  
**shiro#Gone:** okay but imagine if you will  
**shiro#Gone:** a small black grandma aged lady about to hit me with her purse because she sees the japanese version of iron man in the womens bathroom  
**shiro#Gone:** with lance outside cackling and trying to shove a chair in front of the door  
**shiro#Gone:** because that’s what happened  
**nigel thornberry:** get over yourself shiro you aren’t as pretty as downey jr.  
**gangster queen:** coran are you trying to steal my man  
**gangster queen:** just like you stole my eyeliner  
_— **nigel thornberry** has changed their name to **coran will steal your man** —_  
**gangster queen:** square up  
**coran will steal your man:** don’t make me get the rhinestone flipflops  
**gangster queen:** SHIT OKAY  
**slut for fox mulder:** tbh allura coran is just stating the facts  
**slut for fox mulder:** i would kill to look like shiro  
**slut for fox mulder:** if he had both arms  
**shiro#Gone:** gee thanks man  
**slut for fox mulder:** anytime  
**keith’s bitch:** tbh yeah shiro is a babe  
**gangster queen:** are you all trying to steal my man  
**gangster queen:** is that what “the gay agenda” is???  
**the real slim shady:** no the gay agenda is to make everyone on earth watch the bee movie  
**keith’s bitch:** wtf kinda correlation do those two even have  
**the real slim shady:** the bee movie is evidence that str8 people are disgusting  
**the real slim shady:** she fell in love with a bee for fuck’s sake  
**coran will steal your man:** I KNEW IT  
**coran will steal your man:** I THOUGHT I WAS READING INTO IT TOO MUCH  
**shiro#Gone:** what the hell  
**the real slim shady:** shiro have you never seen bee movie  
**shiro#Gone:** no and now i definitely don’t want to  
**keith’s bitch:** hunk do you want me to knit sunny some kitten-mittens  
**hunkules:** sure i guess???  
**keith’s bitch:** kk  
**keith’s bitch:** screw it i’m making kitten-mittens for the whole gang  
**shiro#Gone:** what the hell are kitten-mittens  
**gangster queen:** exactly what they sound like  
**keith’s bitch:** shiro im gonna have to make ebony some purple ones bcuz black will clash on her  
**shiro#Gone:** are you seriously making fashion decisions for my temperamental cat  
**keith’s bitch:** ofc!!!!!

_— **keith’s bitch** has changed the group chat name to **“kitten-mittens”** —_

**the real slim shady:** thats not even funny tho  
**keith’s bitch:** you know what else isn’t funny pidgeon  
**keith’s bitch:** incestual lesbian kittens  
_*keith’s bitch has sent a video*_  
**slut for fox mulder:** hold up i thought we agreed blue and ruby were gfs not sisters  
**keith’s bitch:** but we’re both their daddies so they have to be sisters  
**slut for fox mulder:** um??? ruby hates you??? the first time you tried to hug her she tried to claw your eyes out  
**keith’s bitch:** hello thats because she’s just like her papa she loves me AND hates me  
**slut for fox mulder:** whatever helps you sleep at night honey  
**shiro#Gone:** and you say me and allura are gross  
**coran will steal your man:** you are all disgusting tbh  
**the real slim shady:** GO CORAN  
**coran will steal your man:** honestly you children do nothing but confuse me  
**coran will steal your man:** pidge why did you even include me in this chat  
**the real slim shady:** cause ur a cool dude  
**coran will steal your man:** ??? really ???  
**the real slim shady:** yeah man  
**keith’s bitch:** hell ye  
**slut for fox mulder:** tbh yeah you’re p chill coran  
**gangster queen:** don’t fuel his ego!!!!! why are you all like this!!!!  
**coran will steal your man:** are you just mad they love me more than u  
**gangster queen:** u wish i know they bow down to me  
**hunkules:** tru i actually did that once  
**keith’s bitch:** why  
**hunkules:** i don’t even remember why tbh

 _[2:54 pm]_  
**keith’s bitch:** HOLY SHIT GUYS  
**the real slim shady:** if it’s about your goddamn cats i swear  
**keith’s bitch:** NO ITS 1000000000X TIMES BETTER  
_*keith’s bitch has sent a picture*_  
**keith’s bitch:** KEITHS FUCKIONG INITIALS

_— **hunkules** has changed the group chat name to “ **FUCKIONG** ”—_

**coran will steal your man:** oh no  
**shiro#Gone:** keith you told me you didn’t have a middle name  
**shiro#Gone:** now i know why you said that  
**keith’s bitch:** KEITH KENNETH KOGANE I’M HOWLIN  
**gangster queen:** oh my lord  
**the real slim shady:** LMAO YOU REALLY ARE FROM TEXAS  
**hunkules:** w hy  
**keith’s bitch:** KEITH BBY DID YOUR PARENTS HATE YOU OR THEY WERE JUST COMPLETE ASSHOLES???  
**slut for fox mulder:** probably both seeing how i grew up in the foster care system  
**slut for fox mulder:** how did you even find my birth certificate  
**keith’s bitch:** ruby got into the closet and knocked over a million boxes because she’s definitely ur lil bby  
**slut for fox mulder:** fucking little shit isn’t getting any cuddles tonite  
**the real slim shady:** i guess you could say  
**the real slim shady:** keith isn’t getting any pussy tonight  
**slut for fox mulder:** go die in a hoe  
**the real slim shady:** shit that sounds like a good way to go  
**slut for fox mulder:** i MEANT HOLE JFC GDI  
**keith’s bitch:** and to think u gave me shit because my middle name is charles smh  
**the real slim shady:** hold up we gotta compare  
**coran will steal your man:** ???  
**the real slim shady:** middle names are secretive for no fucking reason  
**the real slim shady:** unless ur keith  
**slut for fox mulder:** ur not wrong  
**the real slim shady:** we got charles, kenneth, samantha and shiro doesnt have one because his parents were boring  
**shiro#Gone:** actually japanese families dont have middle names 99.9% of the time so  
**the real slim shady:** @allura coran and hunk reveal yourselves  
**shiro#Gone:**  oh no  
**coran will steal your man:** so  
**coran will steal your man:** can i just say allura’s father was secretly a huge nerd  
**gangster queen:** CORAN NO S TOP  
**shiro#Gone:** HER MIDDLE NAME IS LEIA  
**gangster queen:** TAKASHI WHAT THE HELL  
**shiro#Gone:** i’m sorry i couldn’t resist  
**slut for fox mulder:** someone is gonna sleep on the couch tonight lmao rip bro  
**shiro#Gone:** we don’t even live together what the hell  
**gangster queen:** but if we did you would def be on the couch  
**keith’s bitch:** allura’s dad confirmed to be the biggest nerd  
**the real slim shady:** the fuck you talking about that’s cool  
**the real slim shady:** allura is the one true space queen  
**gangster queen:** thank u pidge  
**slut for fox mulder:** are you still hung up on carrie fisher dying  
**the real slim shady:** PRINCESS LEIA MADE ME REALIZE I WAS A HALFWAY GAY  
**keith’s bitch:** petition to make “halfway gay” the new term for bisexual  
_— **the real slim shady** has changed their name to **ur local halfway gay** —_  
**hunkules:** i’m with shiro i legit don’t have a middle name  
**ur local halfway gay:** rip  
**gangster queen:** CORANS MIDDLE NAMES ARE HIERONYMUS AND WIMBLETON  
**keith’s bitch:** what kind of drugs were your parents smoking coran  
**coran will steal your man:** excuse you those are both traditional altean names  
**shiro#Gone:** jfc lance  
**shiro#Gone:** this is all your fault  
**keith’s bitch:** I WASNT THE ONE WHO GAVE KEITH EMBARRASSING INITIALS  
**slut for fox mulder:** no but you’ve been exposing me all day  
**keith’s bitch:** bcuz ily  
**slut for fox mulder:** omg save the gross shit for when i get home i’m clocking out rn  
**keith’s bitch:** HUZZAH  
**ur local halfway gay:** nasty

 _[7:37 pm]_  
_*hunkules has sent a picture*_  
**hunkules:** hey guys!!!!  
**gangster queen:** SHAY BAE!!!!!  <3 <3  
**ur local halfway gay:** sup homegirl  
**keith’s bitch:** shay is the purest account hacker  
**hunkules:** lol yeah hunk fell asleep during movie nite  
_*hunkules has sent a picture*_  
**hunkules:** sunny hasn’t bit him yet!!!! theyre getting along!!!!  
**gangster queen:** shay honey when am i gonna see you again i miss u  
**shiro#Gone:** you guys literally just saw each other last week  
**hunkules:** you cant keep besties apart  
**gangster queen:** TRUTH  
**gangster queen:** u just had to leave the vet clinic for the flower shop  
**gangster queen:** jk  <3333  
**hunkules:** i know im a terrible friend  <333  
**ur local halfway gay:** what were you guys watching  
**hunkules:** okay i lied it’s not a movie night  
**hunkules:** i made him watch garfunkel  & oates  
**keith’s bitch:** arent they the girls who sang the fuck me in the ass because i love jesus song  
**hunkules:** ….maaaaybe???!  
**keith’s bitch:** wow shay i did not expect you to be a fan  
**hunkules** : well it was either that or grey’s anatomy and tbh i cant handle emotions right now  
**ur local halfway gay:** shay get out of here you’re too kind and pure for this chat  
**gangster queen:** for once lance is right  
**hunkules:** omg  
**keith’s bitch:** love you too allura  
**gangster queen:** oh btw  
_*gangster queen has sent a picture*_  
**shiro#Gone:** is today national expose your loved ones day or something  
**keith’s bitch:** LMAO YOU ACTUALLY PUT HIM ON THE COUCH  
**gangster queen:** matt kicked him out of the apartment  
**ur local halfway gay:** the fuck did you do to my brother  
**shiro#Gone:** ???? nothing ??? he doesnt have enough money to pay the rent  
**ur local halfway gay:** oh so that’s why he went home  
**shiro#Gone:** and i don't either so  
**gangster queen:** so you all jinxed it shiro and i are living together now  
_*hunkules has sent a picture*_  
**hunkules:** look who woke up!!!!!  
**keith’s bitch:** okay shay and hunk are too pure we can’t get mad at them for being gross and cute  
**ur local halfway gay:** u right  
**ur local halfway gay:** i mean i still dont wanna see it but  
**keith’s bitch:** pidgeon you and i are gonna make a deal  
**ur local halfway gay:** no  
**keith’s bitch:** imma get a job when u get a gf  
**ur local halfway gay:** okay fine give me the names of all your female cousins  
**keith’s bitch:** LMAO NO FIND A GIRL YOURSELF  
**shiro#Gone:** why are you all like this  
**slut for fox mulder:** because we dont have lives  
**shiro#Gone:** ur probably not wrong

 _[9:12 pm]_  
**ur local halfway gay:** news update y’all  
**keith’s bitch:** pidge pls dont tell me you’re from texas too  
**slut for fox mulder:** WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH TEXAS JFC  
**ur local halfway gay:** i have a gf now  
**ur local halfway gay:** so stop being a freeloader lance  
**keith’s bitch:** ur anime body pillow doesnt count pidgeon  
**ur local halfway gay:** oh no she’s real  
**keith’s bitch:** internet doesn’t count either  
**ur local halfway gay:** you know her actually  
**keith’s bitch:** ????  
_*ur local halfway gay has sent a picture*_  
**keith’s bitch:** YOU ASRUUF FUCKING SHITTING ME NYMA???  
**slut for fox mulder:** i thought she was dating allura’s exboyfriend  
**ur local halfway gay:** yeah they broke up and nyma said she was sick of dudes  
**keith’s bitch:** i’m checking her insta and fb i don’t believe u  
**keith’s bitch:** why would you do that to me katie what the hell did i do to you  
**ur local halfway gay:** you know i don’t back down from dares mcclain  
**keith’s bitch:** MOTHERCUDKER

_— **slut for fox mulder** has changed the group chat name to “ **MOTHERCUDKER** ”—_

**keith’s bitch:** whatever dont come crying to us when she cheats on u  
**ur local halfway gay:** got it  
**slut for fox mulder:** holy shit pidgeon got a gf in 2 hours u go lil pidgey  
**keith’s bitch:** i will send you to the couch too  
**keith’s bitch:** but for real bby come back to bed ruby keeps trying to kill me  
**ur local halfway gay:** nasty fuckers

**~ ~ ~**

_DM: **ur local halfway gay** & **nyma_1**_

_[9:32 pm]_  
**nyma_1:** did he buy it  
**ur local halfway gay:** you bet your fucking ass he did  
**nyma_1:** and why are we doing this again  
**ur local halfway gay:** so he can get a job  
**ur local halfway gay:** we made a weird bet  
**nyma_1:** okay????  
**ur local halfway gay:** dont worry i dont like this anymore than u do  
**nyma_1:** tbh i would date you if u didnt look like you just left middle school  
**ur local halfway gay:** yeah i can see why lance was into you  
_— **ur local halfway gay** has left the chat—_

**~ ~ ~**

_DM: **keith’s bitch** & **hunkules**_

_[9:35 pm]_  
**keith’s bitch:** are you still the 2nd best hacker in our squad  
**hunkules:** dude what the heck do you want  
**keith’s bitch:** theres no damn way pidgey got a gf in two hours and nyma??? Seriously????  
**hunkules:** wait WHAT  
**keith’s bitch:** check the group chat its gonna make sense then  
**hunkules:** ok????  
**keith’s bitch:** can you hack into pidgeon’s account  
**hunkules:** maybe when i’m not dead tired and trying to enjoy a night w my girlfriend  
**keith’s bitch:** right sorry dude  
**keith’s bitch:** i had to send keith to the couch so im kinda lonely  
**hunkules:** thats rough buddy

**~ ~ ~**

_[10:12 pm]_  
**coran will steal your man:** TAKASHI SHIROGANE CONFIRMED FOR PANCAKE STEALER AND COUCH HOG  
**keith’s bitch:** shiro u aint never gonna get to marry allura if you keep pissing off your future stepfather in law  
**shiro#Gone:** what did i do to deserve any of this


	9. dead memes and "i can't believe"'s

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow sorry for like a super long unexpected hiatus it's just that #Depression lmao rip
> 
> kinda sorta season two spoiler but it's kinda isn't? you would only get it if you saw season two s o

_[8:19 am]_  
**shiro#Gone:** i want to end my existence  
**ur local halfway gay:** same  
**gangster queen:** TAKASHI TELL THEM WHAT HAPPENED  
**shiro#Gone:** NO  
**ur local halfway gay:** do we wanna know or is it nasty  
**keith’s bitch:** probably nasty  
**gangster queen:** its mostly hilarious  
**gangster queen:** THIS IS SHIRO I STOLE ALLURA’S PHONE AND SHE’S TRYING TO KILL ME SEND HELP  
**coran will steal your man:** shiro walked in on me in the shower  
**slut for fox mulder:** what the fuck  
**slut for fox mulder:** shiro cant you leave the poor man alone  
**gangster queen:** I THOUGHT IT WAS ALLURA HE WAS PLAYING NIKKI MINAJ AN I COULDN’T SEE THROUGH THE CURTAIN SO I ASSUMDE THINGS  
**keith’s bitch:** excuse me why did you spell the Queen’s name wrong  
**ur local halfway gay:** oh that is nasty  
**keith’s bitch:** tag urself i’m coran  
**coran will steal your man:** ???  
**hunkules:** shiro why do you have to torture that poor man  
**gangster queen:** I DONT MEAN TO BUT NOW ALLURA IS TRYING TO TORUE ME JSNED HELP  
**ur local halfway gay:** 20 bucks says she’s tickling him  
**keith’s bitch:** wait shiro is ticklish  
**slut for fox mulder:** lmao hell yeah he is  
**slut for fox mulder:** i once got him to give me fifty bucks because i tickled him  
**hunkules:** am i the only one who wants to know why coran was listening to nicki minaj  
**keith’s bitch:** hunk he’s a gay man  
**keith’s bitch:** ofc he’s gonna listen to nicki  
**hunkules:** u right  
**gangster queen:** the queen has reclaimed her throne  
**gangster queen:** in other words hello everyone this is allura  
_*gangster queen has sent a picture*_  
**slut for fox mulder:** rip shiro you were a pretty good bro  
**keith’s bitch:** takashi shirogane has been found dead in his girlfriend’s mcmansion  
**ur local halfway gay:** is he okay  
**keith’s bitch:** he’s okay but he died  
**hunkules** : why  
**hunkules:** just why  
**coran will steal your man:** the better question is why is shiro living with us now  
**ur local halfway gay:** because him and matt broke up they can’t pay the rent  
**ur local halfway gay:** trust me i gotta suffer too  
**ur local halfway gay:** matt is living with me now  
**keith’s bitch:** RIP IN PIECES  
**slut for fox mulder:** what the fuck babe  
**slut for fox mulder:** did you really just  
**keith’s bitch:** yes im sorry for my sins i dont have any coffee in me yet  
_— **keith’s bitch** has changed the group chat name to “ **RIP IN PIECES** ”—_  
**shiro#Gone:** jsyk allura has a musically  
_— **shiro#Gone** has changed their name to **takashi shirogane has been found dead in miami** —_  
**ur local halfway gay** : WHAT  
**keith’s bitch:** HOLY SHIT  
**hunkules:** she’s gonna murder him  
**slut for fox mulder:** isn’t that the app all the 12 year olds are obsessed with  
**keith’s bitch:** yes  
**takashi shirogane has been found dead in miami:** yknow most guys think their girlfriends are cute when theyre angry  
**takashi shirogane has been found dead in miami:** not me  
_*takashi shirogane has been found dead in miami has sent a video*_  
**keith’s bitch:** where is coran anyway why isn’t he stopping you guys  
**coran will steal your man:** i’m hiding somewhere in the house where i dont have to see/hear them  
**ur local halfway gay:** lucky bastard

 _[10:13 am]_  
**hunkules:** help i’m stuck babysitting one of shay’s cousins  
**ur local halfway gay:** rip dude  
**slut for fox mulder:** how the shit did you end up doing that  
**hunkules:** shay got called into work last minute and i’m too nice so i’m stuck looking after a v shouty seven year old  
**hunkules:** like usually i love kids  
**hunkules:** but not now  
**ur local halfway gay:** they insulted your cooking didn’t they  
**hunkules:** no  
**hunkules:** they just heavily criticized my heavenly mac and cheese  
**keith’s bitch:** is it illegal to punch a child if it isn’t mine  
**hunkules:** L A NCE NO  
**keith’s bitch:** i will fite anyone 4 u bro  
**keith’s bitch:** even if god himself came from the sky if he was rude to you i would kick his ass  
**hunkules:** thanks?  
**slut for fox mulder:** lmao are you sure it’s not shay testing whether or not you two should reproduce  
**hunkules:** we’ve been together for only two years keith we are not having children  
**keith’s bitch:** “only”???  
**slut for fox mulder:** i just realized me and lance have had the shortest relationship of the whole squad  
**keith’s bitch:** we’ve had an amazing eight months bby  
**keith’s bitch:** also what about pidgey and nyma huh  
**ur local halfway gay:** we don’t count she’s not in the squad  
**hunkules:** u right  
**ur local halfway gay:** oh btw matt casually forgot he was allergic to long-haired cats so he hugged forrest and broke out into a rash  
**keith’s bitch:** omg  
**slut for fox mulder:** tag yourself i’m matt  
**hunkules:** dude i’m pretty sure that’s a dead meme  
**slut for fox mulder:** you’re a dead meme  
**keith’s bitch:** did you just insult hunk  
**slut for fox mulder:** maybe  
**keith’s bitch:** SQUARE UP BOO  
**slut for fox mulder:** WHAT YOU WANNA GO  
**keith’s bitch:** YEAH LET’S GO  
**keith’s bitch:** OUT ON A DATE  
**ur local halfway gay:** you two are disgusting  
**slut for fox mulder:** lance you fucking idiot  
**keith’s bitch:** i deliver smooth pick up lines and you insult me  
**keith’s bitch:** why do i even try

 _[11:56 am]_  
**ur local halfway gay:** so i was taking a nap and my idiot brother woke me up because the neighbors called the cops on him for ‘disturbing the peace’  
**ur local halfway gay:** apparently he went out to check the mail and his leg fell off  
**keith’s bitch:** rip  
**ur local halfway gay:** he called me from outside and i had to help him back inside  
**slut for fox mulder:** that’s hot  
_— **matt matt attack** has been added to “ **RIP IN PIECES** ”—_  
**matt matt attack:** what’s up sluts  
**keith’s bitch:** is ur name a fucking incredibles reference  
**matt matt attack:** yeah boi  
**matt matt attack:** cause my puns are lit  
**ur local halfway gay:** i brought you into this chat and i can take you out just as easily  
**slut for fox mulder:** nah dude just steal his leg  
**ur local halfway gay:** wtf no i hate matt but not that much  
**ur local halfway gay:** besides i stole shiro’s arm once and he still managed to put me in a headlock for it  
**keith’s bitch:** is shiro just adopted into the holt family  
**matt matt attack:** kinda  
**slut for fox mulder:** and since shiro adopted me im like an honorary cousin to the holts  
**ur local halfway gay:** yee makes sense  
**takashi shirogane has been found dead in miami:** how can i be adopted when i have a family of my own  
**matt matt attack:** you just are dude don’t question it  
**ur local halfway gay:** yeah tbh you did celebrate hanukkah with us like three times  
**takashi shirogane has been found dead in miami:** after your dad beat me in dreidel i’m never going to celebrate with you again  
**keith’s bitch:** what happened  
**matt matt attack:** you don’t wanna know  
**takashi shirogane has been found dead in miami:** hold up  
**takashi shirogane has been found dead in miami:** when did you get put in here asshole  
**matt matt attack:** love you too brother  
_— **ur local halfway gay** has changed their name to **jesus yeezus** —_  
**keith’s bitch:** are you a living meme  
**jesus yeezus:** yes

 _[2:39 pm]_  
**gangster queen:** how do i casually tell my crazy aunt i don’t want her to show her face around me ever again  
**jesus yeezus:** are you talking about your hag of an aunt  
**gangster queen:** yee  
**gangster queen:** she had the nerve to show up at my job and i almost sicced the shelter dogs on her  
**keith’s bitch:** yikes  
**slut for fox mulder:** what was it this time  
**gangster queen:** okay this bitch  
**gangster queen:** this bitch came up to the vet clinic half-drunk and begging forgiveness for the way she treated me as a child wHEN SHE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER TO NEVER SHOW UP AGAIN  
**slut for fox mulder:** am i the only one who’s confused  
**keith’s bitch:** nope i am too  
**keith’s bitch:** i remember allura crying about a bitchy aunt when she was drunk one time but that’s it  
**gangster queen:** my aunt haggar had custody of me when i first came to america because my father and i were seperated for a while and she’s an absolute witch  
**gangster queen:** ***bitch but yknow with all the cats she has i would believe witch too  
**jesus yeezus:** is her name actually haggar  
**gangster queen:** yes  
**keith’s bitch:** yikes  
**gangster queen:** its okay now tho  
**gangster queen:** i guess  
**coran will steal your man:** I WAS THE ONE WHO CALLED THE POLICE SO ITS DEFINITELY OKAY  
**hunkules:** i’m confused and all i’m getting from this is that coran saved the day  
**gangster queen:** i guess  
**jesus yeezus:** do you need a girls’ night to feel better  
**gangster queen:** thank you pidge but i’m okay now  
**gangster queen:** i just needed to yell about it  
**keith’s bitch:** s’all good hon we got ur back  
**takashi shirogane has been found dead in miami:** i was about to drive down there and handle the situation myself smh  
**gangster queen:** shiro you are too chivalrous  
**coran will steal your man:** and so extra  
**keith’s bitch:** OH SHIT  
**jesus yeezus:** am i imagining things or did coran just roast someone  
**hunkules:** holy crap coran i didn’t know you had it in you  
**coran will steal your man:** you children obviously don’t know me that well

 _[7:56 pm]_  
**jesus yeezus:** i cant believe i’m saying this  
**jesus yeezus:** but i think lance’s otp is canon  
**keith’s bitch:** DEAD  
**keith’s bitch:** I AM ACTUALLY DEAD  
**slut for fox mulder:** you’re about to get kicked out of the apartment if you keep screaming  
_*slut for fox mulder has sent a video*_  
**hunkules:** is he actually crying  
**hunkules:** what’s going on  
**keith’s bitch:** I CANT BELIEVE SHIRO AND ALLURA ANNOUNCED THEIR ENGAGEMENT VIA MUSICALLY  
**jesus yeezus:** normally i would say he’s freaking out over nothing  
**jesus yeezus:** but it’s all over allura’s social media accounts + even shiro posted about it on his snapchat  
**slut for fox mulder:** i can’t believe they used that shitty meghan trainor song  
**hunkules:** wait what  
_*keith’s bitch has sent a video*_  
**coran will steal your man:** i didn’t approve of them yet  
**gangster queen:** well looks like we don’t have to announce anything  
**keith’s bitch:** HELLO MRS. LYONS-SHIROGANE  
**gangster queen:**  actually... i like the sound of that  
**takashi shirogane has been found dead in miami:** whoa hey hold on we’re not married yet  
**keith’s bitch:** YET  
**gangster queen:** lol we’re not even planning yet we’re just going to be engaged for a while  
**jesus yeezus:** about time tbh you guys have been dating for forever  
**slut for fox mulder:** oh shit allura does this mean you’re my sister in law now  
**gangster queen:** you bet it does  
**gangster queen:** now i can finally treat you like the little shit you are c: <<<<  
**keith’s bitch:** rip babe  
**takashi shirogane has been found dead in miami:** coran refuses to give me his blessing tho i don’t know if he’s messing with me or serious  
**takashi shirogane has been found dead in miami:** so it could be a while  
**coran will steal your man:** prove you’re worthy to be my step son in law  
**hunkules:** yeah man don’t steal his pancakes and sleep on his couch anymore  
**jesus yeezus:** or walk in on him during the shower  
**takashi shirogane has been found dead in miami:** this group chat is why i have depression  
**slut for fox mulder:** same  
**keith’s bitch:** I CANT BELIEVE SHALLURA IS CANON  
**gangster queen:** lance i know you’re happy for us but could you please not  
**keith’s bitch:** NOPE IT’S A THING I MADE IT A THING YOU CAN’T GET RID OF IT  
**jesus yeezus:** hold up why did you guys decide so suddenly  
**gangster queen:** UMMMM  
**gangster queen:** SHIRO CAN ANSWER THIS ONE  
**takashi shirogane has been found dead in miami:** that’s fair  
**takashi shirogane has been found dead in miami:** you guys remember that huge fight we had on valentine’s day  
**keith’s bitch:** yes  
**coran will steal your man:** who could forget  
**jesus yeezus:** tf does that have to do with anything  
**takashi shirogane has been found dead in miami:** it kinda started because allura proposed??? and i said no because reasons  
**gangster queen:** BECAUSE YOU WERE INSECURE AND SCARED AND ADORABLE  
**jesus yeezus:** gross  
**gangster queen:** sort of. but he finally said yes so i win  
**keith’s bitch:** and it only took him like two months  
**slut for fox mulder:** jfc shiro why are you like this  
**takashi shirogane has been found dead in miami:** i don’t know  
**coran will steal your man:** ??? Thats what that was about ???  
**gangster queen:** lol yeah  
**keith’s bitch:** !!!!!!!! I WAS RIGHT  
**jesus yeezus:** fucking shit  
**jesus yeezus:** look at what you did  
**keith’s bitch:** April 10th 2017 Lance McClain was right about something for once  
**keith’s bitch:** i told y’all it was either a breakup or an engagement  
**keith’s bitch:** i was right twice yo  
**slut for fox mulder:** so shiro honest question  
**takashi shirogane has been found dead in miami:** oh god  
**slut for fox mulder:** are your kids gonna be half robot  
**takashi shirogane has been found dead in miami:** lance is your loser boyfriend drunk again  
**keith’s bitch:** only a little bit  
**slut for fox mulder:** fcuk you  
**jesus yeezus:** IS THAT WHY YOURE ENGAGED  
**jesus yeezus:** DID YOU GUYS MAKE A SHIRO/ALLURA JUNIOR IN THAT HOTEL ROOM  
**gangster queen:** N O FOR THE LAST TIME WE DIDN’T DO IT  
**jesus yeezus:** coran is allura getting fat  
**coran will steal your man:** no  
**gangster queen:** this was supposed to be a happy moment and now we’re getting attacked rip  
**hunkules:** welcome to #Hell  
**jesus yeezus:** you forgot the trademark  
**hunkules:** you get it  
**keith’s bitch:** wait is no one else confused as to why allura proposed  
**gangster queen:** because i love shiro and this isn’t the 1950’s anymore??? a woman can propose  
**jesus yeezus:** it’s an altean thing isn’t it  
**gangster queen:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ maybe  
**hunkules:** anyway congrats guys!!!!  
**jesus yeezus:** yeah good for you finally getting your shit together  
**takashi shirogane has been found dead in miami:** lol what’s that

 _[8:37 pm]_  
**matt matt attack:** holy shit what did i miss  
**hunkules:** i hate babysitting pidge added you to the chat coran finally roasted someone and shiro  & allura got engaged  
**matt matt attack:** what the fuck  
**hunkules:** how you been dude  
**matt matt attack:** tired  
**hunkules:** same tbh same

**Author's Note:**

> comments are always appreciated but tbh i don't know how anyone can like this piece of garbage


End file.
